The short answer is this: "It's an advice column."

I'm sure you'll agree that this answer is hardly satisfactory. It leaves you wondering things like, "Why should I tell YOU about my problems?" and, "What does that have to do with cheese?" and, "You can't take the square root of a solid object!" Okay, that last one wasn't even a question, but it is a good starting point for the Long Answer. (And no, most people can't do that.)

When I discovered how to perform abstract mathematical operations on physical matter, I knew I had a Gift. The first time I solved for the square root of cheese, I realized that I had a responsibility to share this gift. Because within the formula I used, I found my way to a place between real and imaginary numbers - a place which held the answers to a great many other problems. personal, financial, meteorological, ontological, etc. Unfortunately, these other answers* were meaningless to me because I didn't know the questions they belonged to.

Naturally, I took this discovery and started an advice column.** When you provide the question, I can find the right answer for you - whatever your problem is. Ask me the right question and together we can unlock some of the great mysteries of the universe. Or at the very least we can find your lost socks.

*Answers like:
"It's time for your Uncle Frank to move out. Count your chickens before and after he leaves."
"it sounds like your device is about an hour slow, carefully pry open the hand piece and turn the maroon dial counter-clockwise three and a quarter turns."
"Just ignore the duck."
"Your waterbuffalo is lost in the mail. It will arrive in 6 to 80 weeks."

**I'd like to have simply shared the formula, but it involves some unstable elements that, not only don't appear on most keyboards, are so unstable that, well... let's just say I can't afford a new computer right now.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>