time management

My dear readers,

Do I still have any readers? It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?
There is much that I have wanted to do... so many things that I said I would do... so much that I could have accomplished by now... and have not done...

The problem is Time. I can’t get anything done without it, but I rarely have Time when I need it. And when I do have Time, it's always slipping away and running out on me.

You might say that it’s my own fault for not keeping a closer watch on Time. And I must admit that I have underestimated how fast it can move... Regardless, it has become clear that Time is not on my side. And if Time is against me, then I need to take a more offensive stance.

I am declaring War on Time.

No more will Time get the best of me. No more talk of “If I can find time.” No more will whole months pass without new content. No more excuses.


Watch out Time. I’m coming for you.*


*I’m not looking to kill Time (then there would be no Time at all). But I’ll take any risk to tie back the hands of Time. I just want to slow it down so it can’t escape me again.

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It's fall now, and the leaves are covering my yard like crazy. I just don't have the time or energy to get out there and rake after work. Are there any other ways I can get my yard cleared that don't involve so much work?

-Leave Me Be

Dear Leaf,

It is a little known fact that several weather deities offer yard waste removal services this time of year. If you can afford it, you can have a custom, localized wind storm take all the leaves away. For a small extra fee, you can have it sent to the nearest dump or compost site.


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No matter what I do, I'm always finding one more thing that needs doing before I go to bed each night. This happens 7 or 8 times a night! Im EXHAUSTED!!@

Dear Exhausted!!@,

If these things really need to be done, then you just have to let yourself sleep in a bit more after you've worked so hard. Surely your employer will understand.


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cheese guy

how do i keep my kitty off the table when im not home?

i can has clean table

Dear cheeseburger,

The perfect way to deter your pet is to set up a motion detector so that whenever Kitty hops up on the table it will trigger an anti-gravity ray or a tractor beam. As long as you are careful about programming where the beam will relocate your animal to, these devices are perfectly safe. Also the momentary weightlessness that Kitty experiences should adequately freak the critter out so that it will think twice before jumping on the table again.


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Sorry everyone. I have done a lousy job of updating this past month. I'd like to say that I've been away because I drifted out of time and thought after vanquishing a mighty foe and am now returning as a higher level advice columnist. But alas, the battle is still in progress.

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I have a day-job that occupies a large part of my time. The Square Root of Cheese has always been a free time project. And until I find a way to make the Bills stop coming, it will have to stay like that.*

The reason for the delay is that I've been so unhappy with my day job lately that I find myself having to follow some of my own advice and start looking for a new one. This takes time. More specifically, the time reserved for answering your questions. Thankfully, I see that no one has been submitting any questions, which must mean that none of you have any problems** anymore.

Updates will likely continue to be sporadic until I land that new job, but I will make every effort to continue answering your questions as frequently as I can as soon as you start having problems again.**


*Unless there were enough of you willing to buy ad-space*** or SRoC merchandise.***
**Even if you've been lucky enough to live a trouble free life, what about your friends and family? Surely one of them must have something they need help with. You should tell them about The Square Root of Cheese just in case.
***if, by some chance, these opportunities actually do interest you, leave a comment or send an email to let me know.
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Sorry for the delay, everyone. It's a long story that started with a new laptop and ended with a trip to the vet. But, I'll tell you about it later. These questions have been anxiously waiting for an answer:

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Here's the deal,

My dentist tells me I have to floss and brush more, but I'm a busy guy! Isn't there another way?

I. B. Rushed

Dear Ivan,

Just stop eating foods that stick to your teeth. Then you won't have to worry about remembering to brush it off later.


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Dear Skippy,

My wife keeps telling me about how "the dishes won't take care of themselves." How do we get those slackers to pull their own weight?

Dishing It Out

Dear Mr. Out,

She isn't saying what you think she's saying. A lot of women do this. It's called Dropping Hints Instead of Asking For Help Outright. For some reason, they seem to like it better when we decide to help out on our own rather than having to be asked. This is their way of helping us do that.

Now as for your dishes, they really do sound like slackers, so it's no wonder that your wife is Dropping Hints. The key word here is Discipline. Maintain discipline at all times and never give them an inch. It will take both of you to do this. Remember that word Mr. Out; Discipline.


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Tell me Cheese Whiz...

How can I get more people to visit my site?

Bacon Pi

Hello again Bacon,

Have you considered advertising? If you can take the time to put up some ads, things are bound to improve for you. The extra income from the ads you put on your site will be a good motivator to tell more people about your site.

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Mr. Cheesey,

I always forget, does spring come sooner if the groundhog did or didn't see his shadow?

Foggy on Shadow Weather

Dear FoSW,

Spring comes early when Phil does not see his shadow (like he didn't this year). Instead of waiting six whole weeks, spring will only be about a month and a half away.


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Help me, Doc...

The color yellow makes me sad.

J. W.

Dear Jack,

Talk to your optomotrist about some Rose Colored Glasses. These will help you say "goodbye" to yellows and the blues.


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Mr. Cheese Master,

I promised my readers that I would update last Thursday, but I'm only just now getting around to it... How can I keep from losing what few readers I have with my erratic schedule?

Bacon Pi

Dear Pi Guy,

You can't. Find a clever way to apologize and start working ahead for a change.


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Dear Cheese Doc,

My electronics keep dying on me... I've lost 2 computers and an external hard drive in the last month alone. Am I cursed? How can I exorcise my home office?

Fearing for my cell phone

Dear Fear,

Let's not jump to any wild conclusions. It sounds to me like you just need an exterminator. You have a gremlin infestation.

Call a professional who specializes in gremlins. As technology has progressed and gotten smaller and faster, so too has the modern gremlin. Setting traps is not very effective since the smallest of the pests will make the traps malfunction and free the larger ones. It's very likely you will have to fumigate; and if that's the case, leave behind any electronics you normally carry with you (cell phone, iPod, blender, etc.) to make sure they are clean as well.

I would also advise telling your employer about your problem as soon as you are sure. You could be held responsible for knowingly infecting your workplace. Or, it's possible that the gremlins followed you home from work, in which case the responsibility for replacing your equipment is up to them.


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Mr. Cheesy~

I've heard that librarians are the real superheros. What superpowers do they have? Why don't I see them use their superpowers?

~Bookless in Brooklyn

Dear Bookless,

Yes, it's true. All librarians are super heros. There is some variation in what powers they have, but there is a "default set" that they nearly all have.

Their most common power is their great wisdom. There are very few questions they can't answer. And they will always know where to find these few answers.

The next most common power is enhanced hearing ability. If you've ever been given the stereotypical "Shush" by a librarian, you've probably just hurt his or her super sensitive ears. But today, most librarians are combatting this stereotype by taking advantage of hearing aid technology set in reverse.

There are of course, as many different powers among librarians as any other super heros: flying to reach the top shelf, super speed for rapid assistance, energy blasts, rock-hard skin, talking to cats, etc... However, you won't see many of these more obvious powers in use, because they tend to frighten the general public, and any resulting screams would hurt their delicate ears.


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A funny thing happened to the cheese-flower barrier... All the plant-like properties are gone; all that's left is cheese. On what I'm pretty sure is a related note, there's not a trace of weed killer anymore either.

I'll do a separate news post on this once I've figured out what's up. Meanwhile, on to your questions:

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Mr. Math Guy,

I need to learn better time management. What do you suggest?

-Always Late

Dear Always,

A wise man once said, "Look to the ant." And of course it's clear why. Ants are well known throughout the insect world for their time management seminars. Since the introduction of the shrink ray, they've opened up these seminars to the rest of the animal kingdom. A quick Google or a Bing should help you find one near you.

One note to consider if you don't have your own shrink ray, there will be an extra fee to get you in the door. This fee will vary by colony.


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Dr. Cheese,

What does it mean when people say they have flat feet? And is it curable?

Flat Stanley

Dear Flat,

It means that your feet have collapsed and may not have enough height to properly support your body's weight. But if it's not causing you any pain, then there's no need to worry about a 'cure.'

If the problem is more than cosmetic and causing you pain... Well, what the cure is depends on how you came by the condition. If you were born with it or simply had it develop after an injury it can be corrected with sole inserts or corrective braces.

If by some chance you're referring to one of the many symptoms of Sudden Flatness Syndrome, you'll want to try a diet of dense, fatty foods. Food so heavy that it falls straight past your hips on down to your feet.

Either way, you'll want to check with your doctor.


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