The Universe

Dear Cheeser,

I admit it. I waited way too long to mow my lawn and now it's a jungle out there. I was finally going to take care of it, but some tree-hugger said he found a new kind of plant or something and chained himself in front of my mower. How do I get my lawn back under control?

Ready to Whack Weeds

Dear Weed Whacker,

All you really need is a change in perspective. Not just anyone can create the right conditions for the Miracle of Evolution in the front lawn. Even by accident. In other words: you are sitting on a Gold Mine.

Sell your lawn to Science and use the money to buy a new one. You should also consider investing some of the money in a lawn care service once your new lawn is installed.


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Where can I find pickle seeds? I've looked everywhere and only found cucumber and every other vegitable.

In a Pickle

P.S. Is there pickle flavored cheese?

Dear Ina,

Can I presume that when you say "everywhere" that it's just a figure of speech? After all, in our Infinite Universe, everything grows somewhere.

To find pickle seeds you should look to the Garden Gnomes of Middle Iowa. They are the only people to successfully pickle cucumbers without killing the seeds. These seeds are sold year round at their Garden Gnome Farmers' Market.

Oddly enough, they do also sell a pickle flavored cheese, but I don't really recommend it.


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Cheese Boss

I can't apply for a job until I upload my college transcripts. But when I scan them the pdf file size is waaaaay too big. How do I fix this?


Dear Fran,

If the file size is too big, that means the transcript is too big. Use a photocopier that can reduce the page size and try scanning again.


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Dear Jack Cheddar,

Is it true that all matter and energy is made of Brie cheese?

Peter O. H. Q. V. Griffin LXVI

I can't say that I'm familiar with that theory. It may be worth looking into if you can provide any further information or support for this idea.

Is it possible that you're thinking of Pre-Cheese instead? It could be that you misheard part of the Big Meltdown* theory. (similar to, but not to be confused with the Big Crunch) It states that eventually the gravity of Everything will cause the Universe to stop expanding, shrink back, and collapse in on itself. It continues that rather than creating a massive Black Hole, all that compacted mater and energy will churn itself into a molten state and turn to cheese as it slowly cools.


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I used to be a morning person, but I'm not sleeping well lately. For some reason I'm tired all day, but when I finally go to bed at night I can't sleep. Is it possible that I've become a vampire and just can't remember? This would be a big problem for my social life.

-Nearly Nocturnal

Dear Nearly,

If you have a high pain tolerance, it is possible. Try to think back to when you first noticed the trouble. Did you spend the night with any friends who are paler than average? Have you been to Transylvania recently? Do you have reason to believe you might have recently died and been reanimated by a malevolent spirit?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you should be on the lookout for other symptoms. There are several types of vampires, and so your symptoms may vary, but here are a few early signs to watch out for: Sudden food allergies, most commonly garlic and the Vitamin-D* found in sunlight; faded or absent reflections in mirrors; reduced desire to cook your meat as well done as before; an increased desire to bite irritating people.

*(Not all vampires are deathly allergic to sunlight. Most simply happen to be night people. [If you insist on hunting the living for our blood, you will get much better results {and less angry mobs} if you avoid doing this in broad daylight.] A few vampires are even known to glitter in the sunlight. However, this small group tends to keep to itself because all other vampires find the sparkling to be offensive and "un-vampiric")

If you recognize any of these symptoms, talk to your doctor. There is no known 'cure' for vampiric transformation, but your doctor can better help you know what to expect and should be able to get you connected with a local Coven that can help you adapt to your new life.

Or it could just be stress. Go watch a scary movie and take you mind off your own troubles for a while.


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Dear Big Cheese,

What's the best way to deal with a flooded basement? And how do I make sure it doesn't happen again?


Dear Soggy,

As I'm sure you know, flooding is simply caused by the local water table rising above the level of your basement. All you need to do is elevate your basement above any probable flood stage. Do be aware, however, that this may require you to add on to your home's entryway or front porch.


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