The Stork

Hey Kevin!

My sister-in-law is expecting. How do I figure out whether I'm going to have a neice or a nephew to buy presents for? Are there signs I can watch for to figure it out? I would look for gender-neutral gifts, but they're so hard to find!

-Eager to Spoil Auntie-to-Be

Dear Etsatb,

Congratulations!

There is indeed a very specific sign that you can watch for once Baby is about 20 weeks into his or her journey. That's when a good telescope will let you see whether the stork is carrying a pink or blue bundle. The pastel colors are difficult to make out any further away.

Do keep in mind that at any given time there are over 112,789,266 storks in transit across the globe. And even doctors have occasionally been wrong in spite of their ultrasonic equipment that helps them pick out the right stork.

But don't be discouraged by this either. With a good telescope and a decent sense of geometry and geography, you can still be about 84% sure that you've triangulated the coordinates of the correct Bundle of Joy.

~Kevin

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Hey Skippy,

Didn't you have something to tell us about Christmas? Or did "your cat" steal that one too?

Just Curious

Dear Justin,

Right. Christmas. Last time I did suggest that there may be cause for some concern... but there may not be. I don't want to raise an alarm if there's no cause for raising it. The phenomenon of Christmas Trees springing up in October requires more study.

What I can say is that it's not a worst case, end-of-the-universe scenario; so don't panic while you wait for me to get back to this. Besides, who really wants to hear me talk about Christmas in January?

And no, the cats were not involved.

~Kevin

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Help me smart guy,

I think my new neighbor are a vampire and wereworlf! I should move right?

padking in boston

Dear King of Pads,

Don't pack just yet. Or panic. It seems to be interfering with your spell-checker.

There are only three reasons that a vampire and a werewolf would be willing to live under the same roof, and you should respond differently to each scenario:

  1. They have turned away from 'the beast within' and are supporting each other in trying to live normal, human lives without hurting the people around them.

    How to tell: Just ask how long they've known each other. It will have been after a "big change" in their individual lives.

    What to do: Unpack and make friends if you like. You can be sure they're doing their best to not kill you.

  2. They were already very good friends before they were turned and their friendship is stronger than their new instincts. They may or may not be supportive of each other's new lifestyle, but if they do prey on mortals like ourselves, they would do so away from home so as not to offend their roommate.

    How to tell: Ask how long they've known each other. It will have been practically forever.

    What to do: You would actually be in greater danger if you moved further away form them. Be a polite neighbor but don't invite them over.

  3. The vampire's nose is broken or missing and he does not realize that his roommate is his natural enemy. There will be a messy blow up between them when the truth comes out.

    How to tell: Ask how long they've known each other after eating something heavily laden with garlic and watch to see if the vampire is repulsed by your breath.

    What to do: Resume packing but limit it to the essentials. Get out well before the next full moon, and be sure to do so in broad daylight.

Good luck to you.

~Kevin

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