super heros

[note: This question was received on Dec. 30th]

Dear Cheese Prophet

Why didn't the world end last week? I thought Christmas shopping would be a waste of time… now people are mad at me. What went wrong?


Dear Shunned,

You must have missed it. The End did come. In fact, it came and went several times in the last couple of years. But you forget that our world is full of heroes who are constantly defending the Earth and its inhabitants from peril and/or certain doom. Usually someone steps in before The End comes, but every once in a while someone has to step up after the fact to set things right. This thing with the Myans that you're referring to was the latter.

It's also important to note that just because the unthinkable has happened, (i.e. ancient clocks have synchronized; a dark prophecy is fulfilled; a freakish plague breaks out; etc.) and we find our world full of lava, zombies, and/or rabid squirrels… That doesn't mean things have to stay that way.

Anyway, the point is that you can't go using the threat of global destruction as an excuse to save money and/or avoid family. Unlikely heroes are always likely to crop up when the planet is in jeopardy.

As for the people you've upset, it's never too late -- even with my late response -- to smooth things over with the gift of cheese.


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Mr. Cheese Master,

I promised my readers that I would update last Thursday, but I'm only just now getting around to it... How can I keep from losing what few readers I have with my erratic schedule?

Bacon Pi

Dear Pi Guy,

You can't. Find a clever way to apologize and start working ahead for a change.


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Dear Cheese Doc,

My electronics keep dying on me... I've lost 2 computers and an external hard drive in the last month alone. Am I cursed? How can I exorcise my home office?

Fearing for my cell phone

Dear Fear,

Let's not jump to any wild conclusions. It sounds to me like you just need an exterminator. You have a gremlin infestation.

Call a professional who specializes in gremlins. As technology has progressed and gotten smaller and faster, so too has the modern gremlin. Setting traps is not very effective since the smallest of the pests will make the traps malfunction and free the larger ones. It's very likely you will have to fumigate; and if that's the case, leave behind any electronics you normally carry with you (cell phone, iPod, blender, etc.) to make sure they are clean as well.

I would also advise telling your employer about your problem as soon as you are sure. You could be held responsible for knowingly infecting your workplace. Or, it's possible that the gremlins followed you home from work, in which case the responsibility for replacing your equipment is up to them.


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Mr. Cheesy~

I've heard that librarians are the real superheros. What superpowers do they have? Why don't I see them use their superpowers?

~Bookless in Brooklyn

Dear Bookless,

Yes, it's true. All librarians are super heros. There is some variation in what powers they have, but there is a "default set" that they nearly all have.

Their most common power is their great wisdom. There are very few questions they can't answer. And they will always know where to find these few answers.

The next most common power is enhanced hearing ability. If you've ever been given the stereotypical "Shush" by a librarian, you've probably just hurt his or her super sensitive ears. But today, most librarians are combatting this stereotype by taking advantage of hearing aid technology set in reverse.

There are of course, as many different powers among librarians as any other super heros: flying to reach the top shelf, super speed for rapid assistance, energy blasts, rock-hard skin, talking to cats, etc... However, you won't see many of these more obvious powers in use, because they tend to frighten the general public, and any resulting screams would hurt their delicate ears.


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