stress

Dear Jack Cheddar,

Is it true that all matter and energy is made of Brie cheese?

Peter O. H. Q. V. Griffin LXVI

I can't say that I'm familiar with that theory. It may be worth looking into if you can provide any further information or support for this idea.

Is it possible that you're thinking of Pre-Cheese instead? It could be that you misheard part of the Big Meltdown* theory. (similar to, but not to be confused with the Big Crunch) It states that eventually the gravity of Everything will cause the Universe to stop expanding, shrink back, and collapse in on itself. It continues that rather than creating a massive Black Hole, all that compacted mater and energy will churn itself into a molten state and turn to cheese as it slowly cools.

~Kevin

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Kevin,

I used to be a morning person, but I'm not sleeping well lately. For some reason I'm tired all day, but when I finally go to bed at night I can't sleep. Is it possible that I've become a vampire and just can't remember? This would be a big problem for my social life.

-Nearly Nocturnal

Dear Nearly,

If you have a high pain tolerance, it is possible. Try to think back to when you first noticed the trouble. Did you spend the night with any friends who are paler than average? Have you been to Transylvania recently? Do you have reason to believe you might have recently died and been reanimated by a malevolent spirit?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you should be on the lookout for other symptoms. There are several types of vampires, and so your symptoms may vary, but here are a few early signs to watch out for: Sudden food allergies, most commonly garlic and the Vitamin-D* found in sunlight; faded or absent reflections in mirrors; reduced desire to cook your meat as well done as before; an increased desire to bite irritating people.

*(Not all vampires are deathly allergic to sunlight. Most simply happen to be night people. [If you insist on hunting the living for our blood, you will get much better results {and less angry mobs} if you avoid doing this in broad daylight.] A few vampires are even known to glitter in the sunlight. However, this small group tends to keep to itself because all other vampires find the sparkling to be offensive and "un-vampiric")

If you recognize any of these symptoms, talk to your doctor. There is no known 'cure' for vampiric transformation, but your doctor can better help you know what to expect and should be able to get you connected with a local Coven that can help you adapt to your new life.

Or it could just be stress. Go watch a scary movie and take you mind off your own troubles for a while.

~Kevin

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Dear Big Cheese,

What's the best way to deal with a flooded basement? And how do I make sure it doesn't happen again?

-Soggy

Dear Soggy,

As I'm sure you know, flooding is simply caused by the local water table rising above the level of your basement. All you need to do is elevate your basement above any probable flood stage. Do be aware, however, that this may require you to add on to your home's entryway or front porch.

~Kevin

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Dear Mr. Cheese,

Why do my feet stink?

Sincerely,
Stinkyfoot

Dear StinkFoot,

I can tell by your choice of font that you are not innocent in this matter. There is guilt all over your typeface. Isn't it true that you've been deliberately stepping on cracks until you broke the back of your mother? Your smelly feet are the result of too much stress between you and your family.

Your first step is to make amends with your mother. This will stop the problem at the source and prevent any more family stress getting on your feet. Only then does it make sense to take the next step and talk to your local aroma-therapist about corrective laser surgery to remove the rest.

~Kevin
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