shrink rays

Dear Mr. OfCheese,

There are so many times I've wanted to be a fly on the wall... Is there really a way to do that without being accused of spying?


Dear Nosy,

Not really, but you can build one. Check your local hobby store for a kit. Some kits even come with a preset shrink ray that allows you to pilot your fly more easily.

There is also a similar Mouse In The Corner kit. It's cheaper because it doesn't have any of the intricate flight components, but I don't really recommend it. If you happen to be spotted, a Fly On The Wall needs only to fly higher to avoid being swatted; a Mouse In The Corner is, by definition, already cornered.


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I've lost my motivation. Have you seen it?


Dear Meh,

Sorry, no. I haven't seen it. Have you checked in the sofa cushions? I often lose mine while sitting on the couch. Or, if you have cats, there's a good chance that it was stolen, played with, and then knocked under the fridge. Good luck in your search.


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A funny thing happened to the cheese-flower barrier... All the plant-like properties are gone; all that's left is cheese. On what I'm pretty sure is a related note, there's not a trace of weed killer anymore either.

I'll do a separate news post on this once I've figured out what's up. Meanwhile, on to your questions:

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Mr. Math Guy,

I need to learn better time management. What do you suggest?

-Always Late

Dear Always,

A wise man once said, "Look to the ant." And of course it's clear why. Ants are well known throughout the insect world for their time management seminars. Since the introduction of the shrink ray, they've opened up these seminars to the rest of the animal kingdom. A quick Google or a Bing should help you find one near you.

One note to consider if you don't have your own shrink ray, there will be an extra fee to get you in the door. This fee will vary by colony.


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Dr. Cheese,

What does it mean when people say they have flat feet? And is it curable?

Flat Stanley

Dear Flat,

It means that your feet have collapsed and may not have enough height to properly support your body's weight. But if it's not causing you any pain, then there's no need to worry about a 'cure.'

If the problem is more than cosmetic and causing you pain... Well, what the cure is depends on how you came by the condition. If you were born with it or simply had it develop after an injury it can be corrected with sole inserts or corrective braces.

If by some chance you're referring to one of the many symptoms of Sudden Flatness Syndrome, you'll want to try a diet of dense, fatty foods. Food so heavy that it falls straight past your hips on down to your feet.

Either way, you'll want to check with your doctor.


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