practical jokes


What can I get my sweetie for Valentines?

Otto Time

Dear Otto

Bah! Humbug, I say!

Don't get your sweetie a sappy gift just because everyone else on the planet is being sappy on the 14th. Get your sweetie a sappy gift because you want to give her something sappy. And why wait until the 14th? The 12th is just as good a day to let her know how you feel. Or if you really want to surprise her, try waiting until March 3rd. Poor Cupid is overworked as it is on Valentines Day.

That said, I should mention that there is a lot of contagious Hype out there, and judging by your panicked tone, she may have contracted a case. This Hype leads to expectations. Unmet expectations lead to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to... No wait... that's something else. Anyway, it's a dark path that is difficult to return from.

Just in case, keep something on hand from at least one of the main Romance Food Groups: Flowers, Sweets, Jewelry, or Communication (sappy card, singing telegram, etc.) Which one is really up to you. After all, you know her better than I do.


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Dear Tick,

If you were rolling down an ocean on a jet ski and the wheel came off, would it take the same number of pancakes to cover a doghouse?


Dear Diana,

Since the ice cream is boneless, I'd have to say 'purple.'

I also have to say that your question sounds very familiar. Have you written in before?


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Dear Cheese guy,

So you claim that that lady in the old footage is just pretending to use her cell phone to mess with us? What if I told you that with just a little bit of jiggrey pokery, you can easily get a cell phone to talk across time.

The Doctor

Dear "Doctor"

True enough. I've also seen that documentary about The Doctor (and I don't think he'd appreciate you using his name like this). At one point we do see him add a little device to a friend's phone to allow her to talk across time. This enabled the phone to use his time vehicle as an alternate antenna, which is what actually did the work of relaying the call across time. Not the phone itself.

It is possible that "Chaplin's Time Traveler" also has a powerful enough time vehicle to use this same trick... But the phone it question is an iPhone. A phone that you cannot simply crack open to poke around in without jiggering up the phone itself (or your warranty, contract, future upgrades, etc).

I still maintain my original answer. She's toying with us because she knows that it will frustrate people without access to a time machine of their own.


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Mr. Colby,

There's some kind of plague going around my work place. How can I avoid it?

Clinging to Health

Dear Clinger,

Your safest course of action is to simply avoid your workplace. If you can, work from home. If not, contract yourself a lesser illness that will allow you to take time off until the plague passes.


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Cheesey Guy,

I found this video on YouTube that seems to show proof of a time traveler in the 1920's with a cell phone. Could this be for real?

Hopeful Skeptic

Here's the video:

Dear Hopeful,

Yes... but no. That time traveler is a phony. Sure, she brought her iPhone back to 1928 and got herself captured by a camera that she knew would be there. But look at that smile when she looks at the camera. That's the smile of a prankster who knows that she's got people fooled. The fact remains (and in a few years it will be proven) that no mere cell phone sized battery can hold up more than a few seconds when transmitting through Time.

The time traveler and her iPhone are real, but it's a prank call.


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Help me Skippy,

Spring time is here and I'm helpless in the garden. How can I get myself a green thumb?

Lost with Tomatoes

Dear Lost,

Well, if you like to talk to tomatoes, it sounds like you're in good company. Granted, not many tomatoes can speak back. Nevertheless, there's no need for you to be helpless when hired help is listed in the phone book.

As far as your thumb goes, all you need is bowl of water and some food coloring.


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