Again, I apologize for making you wait for your advice, but I think you will agree that this installment was worth the wait!

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Mr. Of Cheese,

I'm worried about my co-workers. My job often requires some heavy lifting, and several of my teammates have been hurt and can't lift heavy things like they used to be able to. They weren't job related injuries; that's not the problem. It's just that now the rest of us have to pick up the slack. How can we get them to heal faster?

Medically Challenged

Dear MC,

It sounds like your employer ought to invest in some Telekinetic Enhancement Rigs. These devices will allow your co-workers to spare their bodies by lifting with their minds instead. It enhances anyone's own natural ability for Telekinesis, however limited (or nonexistent) it might be.

These devices are rather expensive and rarely covered by insurance, which could make it a tough sell to your boss. But there is potential for a 'preventative health' tax credit if they can document how the Rigs are being used to prevent injury.


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Mr. OfCheese,

Why are Leprechauns green? And why don't they like cheese? More importantly, shouldn't you have answered questions like this last week?

Green Cheese

Dear Cheese Man,

Let me take your questions in order:

First, Leprechauns aren't actually green, it's a common misconception based on the idea that they always wear green clothing -- which is an even more common misconception. In fact, because of such stereotyping, many of them avoid wearing any green at all.

Secondly, Leprechauns disliking cheese is an outright lie. They enjoy it as much as any other sentient being.

Finally, I actually did answer such a question last week. However, the question and my answer were magically intercepted and removed by a band of Leprechauns that were sick of all the attention of St. Patrick's Day. Luck was on their side, and they made a clean getaway.


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My Dearest Sir Cheese,

After solving the world energy, hunger, and war problems, I stumbled upon the great philosophical idea of the square root of cheese. At first it seemed to me that the square root of cheese was an imaginary value such as i, but recently mathematical evidence has compelled me to believe that the square root of cheese, in fact, is equal to the square root of Wisconsin which is (e^(7342.11*pi))*California=42356.43524354898989889898948291. Am I correct in thinking this?

Forever and Always,

Dear Aladin,

I must say, I am impressed! Mathematically, your solution checks out. It's not a complete solution (I'll get to that in a minute), but this is still a big day for the Square Root of Cheese!

For those of you having trouble following, here's the mathematical proof. It's true that if you average Wisconsin, you get Cheese, therefore, "Wisconsin = Cheese" is a true statement. From there it's a simple substitution into the formula for finding the square root of a geographic area, shown above. This means that 42,356.43524354898989889898948291 should work for most mathematical applications of The Square Root of Cheese in the same way that 3.14 works as an approximation for pi. *(I say approximation because cheese is organic, which means that its value can fluctuate.)

You're right that's it's not exactly like i, but it's not really unlike i either. When you use mathematical operations on cheese products, it throws the value into the gap between Real and Imaginary numbers. It is within this gap that the true solutions lie.

There is still much to be studied about the Square Root of Cheese, but thank you for your help with this breakthrough!


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It's been a quite a while, so it's high time for some of you patient folks to have your questions answered:

Dear Math Man,

I'd like to start my own advice column. Accept... I don't really want to give advice.. I want to give funny answers. Make people laugh, you know? How do I keep people from taking me to seriously?

Bacon Pi

Dear Bacon,

It all depends on the first impression you give people. The simplest answer is to spend your fist update or three answering questions from yourself.


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Hey Skippy,

I've got this old website I'd like to reboot, but I think all my readers have left in the 4 years since my last update. How can I rebuild my fan-base?

Old and Fanless

Dear Oldie,

Hmm...  I may be a bit rusty, but I think I can take on the two-part question you've given me.

If you want your readers back, you are going to have to instill in them some confidence that you won't leave them hanging for another four years until your next update. You will have to give them something to read at much shorter intervals. Making these intervals Regular is what will instill that confidence.

As for your fan-base, there are plenty of web-hosts out there that are powered entirely by wind energy. So if you really want your site to be based on fans, these hosts will do your rebuilding for you.


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Something strange has just happened to my website... It was once barren and neglected, but suddenly has a spark of life to it. This is not a problem at all. In fact, can you tell me how to hang onto this new energy?


Dear Sparky,

I've noticed it too. My own site was devoid of life for about 4 years or so until very recently. It's also somehow taken on a bloggish quality.

I believe it has something to do with the convergence of Daylight Savings Time and Pi Day. Somehow, this dispersed a surge of energy that was drawn to cheesy websites like ours throughout cyberspace.

The challenge now is to keep that spark alive. You (and I) must fan the flame with a good base of fans. Oh, and some effort on your part to do regular updates would also go a long way.


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