pets

It's fall now, and the leaves are covering my yard like crazy. I just don't have the time or energy to get out there and rake after work. Are there any other ways I can get my yard cleared that don't involve so much work?

-Leave Me Be

Dear Leaf,

It is a little known fact that several weather deities offer yard waste removal services this time of year. If you can afford it, you can have a custom, localized wind storm take all the leaves away. For a small extra fee, you can have it sent to the nearest dump or compost site.

~Kevin

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Help

No matter what I do, I'm always finding one more thing that needs doing before I go to bed each night. This happens 7 or 8 times a night! Im EXHAUSTED!!@

Dear Exhausted!!@,

If these things really need to be done, then you just have to let yourself sleep in a bit more after you've worked so hard. Surely your employer will understand.

~Kevin

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cheese guy

how do i keep my kitty off the table when im not home?

i can has clean table

Dear cheeseburger,

The perfect way to deter your pet is to set up a motion detector so that whenever Kitty hops up on the table it will trigger an anti-gravity ray or a tractor beam. As long as you are careful about programming where the beam will relocate your animal to, these devices are perfectly safe. Also the momentary weightlessness that Kitty experiences should adequately freak the critter out so that it will think twice before jumping on the table again.

~Kevin

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Hey Coach,

It seems like every time I actually get to see my favorite team play, they lose. Does the fact that I'm watching make them screw up? Should I show my support by not watching?

Unlucky Fan

Dear Fan,

It sounds like you have a Luck deficiency. It's very likely that it is entirely your fault that your team is losing. Luckily, the cure is fairly simple.

You will need to spend more time around Lucky artifacts: Roll around in a clover field, get a pet rabbit (they each come with four Lucky rabbit's feet), and start every day with a bowl of Lucky Charms (even better [if you can handle the sugar] would be to eat seven bowls daily).

Until your luck turns around, the best way to show your support would be to support the other team.

~Kevin

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Dear Cheese,

A friend who's moving has offered to sell her house to me at a great price, but it's in the wrong town! How do I decide between a great house and a great commute?

Moving?

Dear ?,

It may sound impossible, but you don't have to choose. You just need to get in touch with the folks at Aperture Science*, where the Impossible is easy!

With their flagship product, the Portal Gun you can create an intradimensional portal between your new home and your workplace. However, since you're looking to save money, and the device is outrageously expensive,** you will want to look into simply renting one long enough to just move the house itself*** to a more convenient location.

*As of this writing, their website seems to be down for the holidays (and some kind of internal computer issues). I'm sure they'll be open for business again soon.
**The hand-held portal device is worth more than the combined incomes of everyone in your old and new hometowns.
***If you take this route, you will also need a shrink-ray (available in most hobby stores). The portals created by the device were intended for personal use and as such are only about as big as your average doorway.
****Note to self: find a better way to do footnotes.

~Kevin

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Mr. Cheese,

My neighbors just got a new pet and they let the thing run wild! It's torn up my garden, scuffed up my siding by scratching itself against it, and made a toilet of my front lawn! I've confronted them about it and they accused me of "planting" the evidence! RIDICULOUS! That means I'd have to have TOUCHED it! Never!
How do I keep that yak away from my house?

Yaksbane

Dear Yaksbane,

Some Yaksbane would actually be a pretty good idea. It has a powerful smell, but I'm sure it's preferable to more yak-damage. You should also check into your local leash laws. Most places require unattended yaks to be on a leash or in a kennel.

Meanwhile, I would suggest that you "flush" your lawn of yak poo by investing in the Portal Gun I recommended to "Moving?". Create an exit portal facing your neighbor's lawn and place the entrance portal directly under the "evidence." No touching required!

~Kevin

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