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medical Archives - The Square Root of Cheese


The War against Time wages on... but I cornered Time enough to bring you these health tips.


I dropped something heavy on my finger at work. How do I know if it's broken or just bruised?


Dear Injured,

You could go to a doctor, but that costs money. Money that I presume your employer has not provided since you came to me.

A cheaper way to find out would be to hitch a ride to another planet with a different colored sun. When you expose yourself to the right color (usually 2 hues up on the color spectrum), you should find, among other things, that you have developed X-ray vision and can see your bones for yourself.


Dear Dr. Cheese,

What is ebola exactly? And how worried should I be about it being only 3 states away?

Medical Moron

Dear M.M.,

Ebola is a dangerous and potentially deadly virus. You should be totally and utterly terrified that it exists in even a single person within your national borders. But don't panic. There are things you can do to protect yourself.

The best way to avoid ebola would be to pack up all your things and travel 87 years into the future. I've received word from my Future Self that ebola will no longer pose a threat by then.

Do be aware that there is a slim chance that the future you travel to will still have ebola. This would mean that removing yourself from the timeline somehow delays or prevents a cure, and that your presence here in the present somehow contributes to the end of ebola. So if this happens, please come back.

If running away to the future doesn't work for you, you'll have to settle for locking yourself indoors for the next 87 years to stay safe.


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Dear Dr. Cheese,

Ive got this red, itchy rash under my arms. Am I allergic to deodorant?


Dear Itchy,

According to my calculations, you have developed an allergy to armpit hair. You will need to remove all traces of hair from wherever the rash has spread to. But DO NOT shave; this will only make the irritation worse. Try waxing instead, and you might get the added benefit of removing the layer of skin that contains the rash.


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Hey Kevin!

My sister-in-law is expecting. How do I figure out whether I'm going to have a neice or a nephew to buy presents for? Are there signs I can watch for to figure it out? I would look for gender-neutral gifts, but they're so hard to find!

-Eager to Spoil Auntie-to-Be

Dear Etsatb,


There is indeed a very specific sign that you can watch for once Baby is about 20 weeks into his or her journey. That's when a good telescope will let you see whether the stork is carrying a pink or blue bundle. The pastel colors are difficult to make out any further away.

Do keep in mind that at any given time there are over 112,789,266 storks in transit across the globe. And even doctors have occasionally been wrong in spite of their ultrasonic equipment that helps them pick out the right stork.

But don't be discouraged by this either. With a good telescope and a decent sense of geometry and geography, you can still be about 84% sure that you've triangulated the coordinates of the correct Bundle of Joy.


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Hey Skippy,

Didn't you have something to tell us about Christmas? Or did "your cat" steal that one too?

Just Curious

Dear Justin,

Right. Christmas. Last time I did suggest that there may be cause for some concern... but there may not be. I don't want to raise an alarm if there's no cause for raising it. The phenomenon of Christmas Trees springing up in October requires more study.

What I can say is that it's not a worst case, end-of-the-universe scenario; so don't panic while you wait for me to get back to this. Besides, who really wants to hear me talk about Christmas in January?

And no, the cats were not involved.


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Help me smart guy,

I think my new neighbor are a vampire and wereworlf! I should move right?

padking in boston

Dear King of Pads,

Don't pack just yet. Or panic. It seems to be interfering with your spell-checker.

There are only three reasons that a vampire and a werewolf would be willing to live under the same roof, and you should respond differently to each scenario:

  1. They have turned away from 'the beast within' and are supporting each other in trying to live normal, human lives without hurting the people around them.

    How to tell: Just ask how long they've known each other. It will have been after a "big change" in their individual lives.

    What to do: Unpack and make friends if you like. You can be sure they're doing their best to not kill you.

  2. They were already very good friends before they were turned and their friendship is stronger than their new instincts. They may or may not be supportive of each other's new lifestyle, but if they do prey on mortals like ourselves, they would do so away from home so as not to offend their roommate.

    How to tell: Ask how long they've known each other. It will have been practically forever.

    What to do: You would actually be in greater danger if you moved further away form them. Be a polite neighbor but don't invite them over.

  3. The vampire's nose is broken or missing and he does not realize that his roommate is his natural enemy. There will be a messy blow up between them when the truth comes out.

    How to tell: Ask how long they've known each other after eating something heavily laden with garlic and watch to see if the vampire is repulsed by your breath.

    What to do: Resume packing but limit it to the essentials. Get out well before the next full moon, and be sure to do so in broad daylight.

Good luck to you.


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Sorry everyone, but for the past couple weeks I seem to have forgotten that I run an advice column. Let me explain by answering one of your questions:

Dear Cheese Man,

i heard a rumor that you're going to be a cheese daddy. Is that why you haven't been updating?


Yes, the rumors are true, I am a Daddy! I know it's going to be a lot more work once the munchkin is born, but that doesn't mean fatherhood has been easy so far. Pregnancy has had a number of side-effects on my Beloved and I.

I've always been sympathetic to the troubles of others (why else would I start an advice column?), but somehow most of my symapathy pains have been worse than the originals that Beth is experiencing:

I'm forgetting things all the time; I've had a week and a half of nose bleeds, and I even had a miserable day of morning sickness that woke me at 4am... Meanwhile Beth has only been slightly forgetful, mildly nauseous, and had a single nose bleed.

This all has taught me a couple of things. First, is that doing my share of parenting already comes naturally. Second, is that unless I make The Square Root of Cheese a priority, Life will continue to present me with other ways to fill my time. I hereby commit to answering as many of your questions as I can by this time next week. (Don't forget, you can submit your questions right here.) Lastly, until this "Pregnancy Brain" passes, I'm learning to leave myself reminders of my commitments and things I need to finish. So, assuming I can remember where my reminders are, you can look forward to

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Mr. Colby,

There's some kind of plague going around my work place. How can I avoid it?

Clinging to Health

Dear Clinger,

Your safest course of action is to simply avoid your workplace. If you can, work from home. If not, contract yourself a lesser illness that will allow you to take time off until the plague passes.


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Cheesey Guy,

I found this video on YouTube that seems to show proof of a time traveler in the 1920's with a cell phone. Could this be for real?

Hopeful Skeptic

Here's the video:

Dear Hopeful,

Yes... but no. That time traveler is a phony. Sure, she brought her iPhone back to 1928 and got herself captured by a camera that she knew would be there. But look at that smile when she looks at the camera. That's the smile of a prankster who knows that she's got people fooled. The fact remains (and in a few years it will be proven) that no mere cell phone sized battery can hold up more than a few seconds when transmitting through Time.

The time traveler and her iPhone are real, but it's a prank call.


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Help me Skippy,

Spring time is here and I'm helpless in the garden. How can I get myself a green thumb?

Lost with Tomatoes

Dear Lost,

Well, if you like to talk to tomatoes, it sounds like you're in good company. Granted, not many tomatoes can speak back. Nevertheless, there's no need for you to be helpless when hired help is listed in the phone book.

As far as your thumb goes, all you need is bowl of water and some food coloring.


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Dear Jack Cheddar,

Is it true that all matter and energy is made of Brie cheese?

Peter O. H. Q. V. Griffin LXVI

I can't say that I'm familiar with that theory. It may be worth looking into if you can provide any further information or support for this idea.

Is it possible that you're thinking of Pre-Cheese instead? It could be that you misheard part of the Big Meltdown* theory. (similar to, but not to be confused with the Big Crunch) It states that eventually the gravity of Everything will cause the Universe to stop expanding, shrink back, and collapse in on itself. It continues that rather than creating a massive Black Hole, all that compacted mater and energy will churn itself into a molten state and turn to cheese as it slowly cools.


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I used to be a morning person, but I'm not sleeping well lately. For some reason I'm tired all day, but when I finally go to bed at night I can't sleep. Is it possible that I've become a vampire and just can't remember? This would be a big problem for my social life.

-Nearly Nocturnal

Dear Nearly,

If you have a high pain tolerance, it is possible. Try to think back to when you first noticed the trouble. Did you spend the night with any friends who are paler than average? Have you been to Transylvania recently? Do you have reason to believe you might have recently died and been reanimated by a malevolent spirit?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you should be on the lookout for other symptoms. There are several types of vampires, and so your symptoms may vary, but here are a few early signs to watch out for: Sudden food allergies, most commonly garlic and the Vitamin-D* found in sunlight; faded or absent reflections in mirrors; reduced desire to cook your meat as well done as before; an increased desire to bite irritating people.

*(Not all vampires are deathly allergic to sunlight. Most simply happen to be night people. [If you insist on hunting the living for our blood, you will get much better results {and less angry mobs} if you avoid doing this in broad daylight.] A few vampires are even known to glitter in the sunlight. However, this small group tends to keep to itself because all other vampires find the sparkling to be offensive and "un-vampiric")

If you recognize any of these symptoms, talk to your doctor. There is no known 'cure' for vampiric transformation, but your doctor can better help you know what to expect and should be able to get you connected with a local Coven that can help you adapt to your new life.

Or it could just be stress. Go watch a scary movie and take you mind off your own troubles for a while.


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Dear Big Cheese,

What's the best way to deal with a flooded basement? And how do I make sure it doesn't happen again?


Dear Soggy,

As I'm sure you know, flooding is simply caused by the local water table rising above the level of your basement. All you need to do is elevate your basement above any probable flood stage. Do be aware, however, that this may require you to add on to your home's entryway or front porch.


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Dear Cheddar Man

There's an awful lot of theories about time travel and different ideas about what kind of device or conditions are required. Who's got it right? Do I need to snag a bolt of lightning at 88 miles per hour, or just look for wormholes under my kitchen sink? Do I need to borrow a starship and slingshot my self around the sun, or can it really be as simple as a hot tub or a phone booth?

I need to know because it makes a big difference on how much I can pack.

Quantum Cheeseburger

Dear Traveler,

The truth is that all those theories and methods generally work. Time travel is THAT unstable a process. (Except for that silly one you threw in; that made me laugh.)

Pick whichever one can best accommodate your luggage.


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Dear Cheesey,

This guy at work is driving me nuts! He's really gotten under my skin with his antics... What can I do about him?

Itching for Vengeance

Dear Itchy,

You need to get him out from under your skin before he causes more problems than itching. See a dermatologist immediately!


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Tell me Cheese Whiz...

How can I get more people to visit my site?

Bacon Pi

Hello again Bacon,

Have you considered advertising? If you can take the time to put up some ads, things are bound to improve for you. The extra income from the ads you put on your site will be a good motivator to tell more people about your site.

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Mr. Cheesey,

I always forget, does spring come sooner if the groundhog did or didn't see his shadow?

Foggy on Shadow Weather

Dear FoSW,

Spring comes early when Phil does not see his shadow (like he didn't this year). Instead of waiting six whole weeks, spring will only be about a month and a half away.


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Help me, Doc...

The color yellow makes me sad.

J. W.

Dear Jack,

Talk to your optomotrist about some Rose Colored Glasses. These will help you say "goodbye" to yellows and the blues.


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A funny thing happened to the cheese-flower barrier... All the plant-like properties are gone; all that's left is cheese. On what I'm pretty sure is a related note, there's not a trace of weed killer anymore either.

I'll do a separate news post on this once I've figured out what's up. Meanwhile, on to your questions:

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Mr. Math Guy,

I need to learn better time management. What do you suggest?

-Always Late

Dear Always,

A wise man once said, "Look to the ant." And of course it's clear why. Ants are well known throughout the insect world for their time management seminars. Since the introduction of the shrink ray, they've opened up these seminars to the rest of the animal kingdom. A quick Google or a Bing should help you find one near you.

One note to consider if you don't have your own shrink ray, there will be an extra fee to get you in the door. This fee will vary by colony.


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Dr. Cheese,

What does it mean when people say they have flat feet? And is it curable?

Flat Stanley

Dear Flat,

It means that your feet have collapsed and may not have enough height to properly support your body's weight. But if it's not causing you any pain, then there's no need to worry about a 'cure.'

If the problem is more than cosmetic and causing you pain... Well, what the cure is depends on how you came by the condition. If you were born with it or simply had it develop after an injury it can be corrected with sole inserts or corrective braces.

If by some chance you're referring to one of the many symptoms of Sudden Flatness Syndrome, you'll want to try a diet of dense, fatty foods. Food so heavy that it falls straight past your hips on down to your feet.

Either way, you'll want to check with your doctor.


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