magic

Again, I apologize for making you wait for your advice, but I think you will agree that this installment was worth the wait!

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Mr. Of Cheese,

I'm worried about my co-workers. My job often requires some heavy lifting, and several of my teammates have been hurt and can't lift heavy things like they used to be able to. They weren't job related injuries; that's not the problem. It's just that now the rest of us have to pick up the slack. How can we get them to heal faster?

Medically Challenged

Dear MC,

It sounds like your employer ought to invest in some Telekinetic Enhancement Rigs. These devices will allow your co-workers to spare their bodies by lifting with their minds instead. It enhances anyone's own natural ability for Telekinesis, however limited (or nonexistent) it might be.

These devices are rather expensive and rarely covered by insurance, which could make it a tough sell to your boss. But there is potential for a 'preventative health' tax credit if they can document how the Rigs are being used to prevent injury.

~Kevin

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Mr. OfCheese,

Why are Leprechauns green? And why don't they like cheese? More importantly, shouldn't you have answered questions like this last week?

Green Cheese

Dear Cheese Man,

Let me take your questions in order:

First, Leprechauns aren't actually green, it's a common misconception based on the idea that they always wear green clothing -- which is an even more common misconception. In fact, because of such stereotyping, many of them avoid wearing any green at all.

Secondly, Leprechauns disliking cheese is an outright lie. They enjoy it as much as any other sentient being.

Finally, I actually did answer such a question last week. However, the question and my answer were magically intercepted and removed by a band of Leprechauns that were sick of all the attention of St. Patrick's Day. Luck was on their side, and they made a clean getaway.

~Kevin

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My Dearest Sir Cheese,

After solving the world energy, hunger, and war problems, I stumbled upon the great philosophical idea of the square root of cheese. At first it seemed to me that the square root of cheese was an imaginary value such as i, but recently mathematical evidence has compelled me to believe that the square root of cheese, in fact, is equal to the square root of Wisconsin which is (e^(7342.11*pi))*California=42356.43524354898989889898948291. Am I correct in thinking this?

Forever and Always,
Aladin

Dear Aladin,

I must say, I am impressed! Mathematically, your solution checks out. It's not a complete solution (I'll get to that in a minute), but this is still a big day for the Square Root of Cheese!

For those of you having trouble following, here's the mathematical proof. It's true that if you average Wisconsin, you get Cheese, therefore, "Wisconsin = Cheese" is a true statement. From there it's a simple substitution into the formula for finding the square root of a geographic area, shown above. This means that 42,356.43524354898989889898948291 should work for most mathematical applications of The Square Root of Cheese in the same way that 3.14 works as an approximation for pi. *(I say approximation because cheese is organic, which means that its value can fluctuate.)

You're right that's it's not exactly like i, but it's not really unlike i either. When you use mathematical operations on cheese products, it throws the value into the gap between Real and Imaginary numbers. It is within this gap that the true solutions lie.

There is still much to be studied about the Square Root of Cheese, but thank you for your help with this breakthrough!

~Kevin

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The barrier continues to weaken! ... but it's still pretty tough... Only one again this week. It seems that as the plant-like properties fade, it is taking on the properties of a Writer's Block of sorts.

I'll keep working on it. Meanwhile, at least a little advice will get through each week.

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Cheesy Man,

Do you ever feel like you're being watched? I feel like that all the time. You know how in Harry Potter the pictures move and talk to people? Is that real? Can people see me through their pictures? I need to know, because my roommate wants to put a Nicolas Cage poster in our bathroom, and that's just creepy.

-Watched

Dear Watched,

I see what you mean... I have nothing against Mr. Cage, but there are just some places he should not be... However, if you can't talk your roommate out of it, there is a way to put your fears to rest.

The only way to really be sure is to take some markers and/or stickers and make changes to Nick's surroundings in the poster itself to see if you can get a reaction. (You will definitely want to get your roommate's permission first. Even if you have erasable markers and removable stickers.)

My personal favorite is to draw bubbles and apply stickers of fish. If the picture is magical, the bubbles and fish will start moving along with the rest of it. Also, being magical, he probably won't need to breath, but I'd recommend also drawing him an air supply just in case.

If it's just an ordinary poster, nothing will happen. Erase your modifications and remove the stickers as best you can.

If it still creeps you out, just install another shower curtain in front of it.

~Kevin

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