Hey Coach,

It seems like every time I actually get to see my favorite team play, they lose. Does the fact that I'm watching make them screw up? Should I show my support by not watching?

Unlucky Fan

Dear Fan,

It sounds like you have a Luck deficiency. It's very likely that it is entirely your fault that your team is losing. Luckily, the cure is fairly simple.

You will need to spend more time around Lucky artifacts: Roll around in a clover field, get a pet rabbit (they each come with four Lucky rabbit's feet), and start every day with a bowl of Lucky Charms (even better [if you can handle the sugar] would be to eat seven bowls daily).

Until your luck turns around, the best way to show your support would be to support the other team.


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Dear Cheese,

A friend who's moving has offered to sell her house to me at a great price, but it's in the wrong town! How do I decide between a great house and a great commute?


Dear ?,

It may sound impossible, but you don't have to choose. You just need to get in touch with the folks at Aperture Science*, where the Impossible is easy!

With their flagship product, the Portal Gun you can create an intradimensional portal between your new home and your workplace. However, since you're looking to save money, and the device is outrageously expensive,** you will want to look into simply renting one long enough to just move the house itself*** to a more convenient location.

*As of this writing, their website seems to be down for the holidays (and some kind of internal computer issues). I'm sure they'll be open for business again soon.
**The hand-held portal device is worth more than the combined incomes of everyone in your old and new hometowns.
***If you take this route, you will also need a shrink-ray (available in most hobby stores). The portals created by the device were intended for personal use and as such are only about as big as your average doorway.
****Note to self: find a better way to do footnotes.


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Mr. Cheese,

My neighbors just got a new pet and they let the thing run wild! It's torn up my garden, scuffed up my siding by scratching itself against it, and made a toilet of my front lawn! I've confronted them about it and they accused me of "planting" the evidence! RIDICULOUS! That means I'd have to have TOUCHED it! Never!
How do I keep that yak away from my house?


Dear Yaksbane,

Some Yaksbane would actually be a pretty good idea. It has a powerful smell, but I'm sure it's preferable to more yak-damage. You should also check into your local leash laws. Most places require unattended yaks to be on a leash or in a kennel.

Meanwhile, I would suggest that you "flush" your lawn of yak poo by investing in the Portal Gun I recommended to "Moving?". Create an exit portal facing your neighbor's lawn and place the entrance portal directly under the "evidence." No touching required!


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Again, I apologize for making you wait for your advice, but I think you will agree that this installment was worth the wait!

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Mr. Of Cheese,

I'm worried about my co-workers. My job often requires some heavy lifting, and several of my teammates have been hurt and can't lift heavy things like they used to be able to. They weren't job related injuries; that's not the problem. It's just that now the rest of us have to pick up the slack. How can we get them to heal faster?

Medically Challenged

Dear MC,

It sounds like your employer ought to invest in some Telekinetic Enhancement Rigs. These devices will allow your co-workers to spare their bodies by lifting with their minds instead. It enhances anyone's own natural ability for Telekinesis, however limited (or nonexistent) it might be.

These devices are rather expensive and rarely covered by insurance, which could make it a tough sell to your boss. But there is potential for a 'preventative health' tax credit if they can document how the Rigs are being used to prevent injury.


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Mr. OfCheese,

Why are Leprechauns green? And why don't they like cheese? More importantly, shouldn't you have answered questions like this last week?

Green Cheese

Dear Cheese Man,

Let me take your questions in order:

First, Leprechauns aren't actually green, it's a common misconception based on the idea that they always wear green clothing -- which is an even more common misconception. In fact, because of such stereotyping, many of them avoid wearing any green at all.

Secondly, Leprechauns disliking cheese is an outright lie. They enjoy it as much as any other sentient being.

Finally, I actually did answer such a question last week. However, the question and my answer were magically intercepted and removed by a band of Leprechauns that were sick of all the attention of St. Patrick's Day. Luck was on their side, and they made a clean getaway.


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My Dearest Sir Cheese,

After solving the world energy, hunger, and war problems, I stumbled upon the great philosophical idea of the square root of cheese. At first it seemed to me that the square root of cheese was an imaginary value such as i, but recently mathematical evidence has compelled me to believe that the square root of cheese, in fact, is equal to the square root of Wisconsin which is (e^(7342.11*pi))*California=42356.43524354898989889898948291. Am I correct in thinking this?

Forever and Always,

Dear Aladin,

I must say, I am impressed! Mathematically, your solution checks out. It's not a complete solution (I'll get to that in a minute), but this is still a big day for the Square Root of Cheese!

For those of you having trouble following, here's the mathematical proof. It's true that if you average Wisconsin, you get Cheese, therefore, "Wisconsin = Cheese" is a true statement. From there it's a simple substitution into the formula for finding the square root of a geographic area, shown above. This means that 42,356.43524354898989889898948291 should work for most mathematical applications of The Square Root of Cheese in the same way that 3.14 works as an approximation for pi. *(I say approximation because cheese is organic, which means that its value can fluctuate.)

You're right that's it's not exactly like i, but it's not really unlike i either. When you use mathematical operations on cheese products, it throws the value into the gap between Real and Imaginary numbers. It is within this gap that the true solutions lie.

There is still much to be studied about the Square Root of Cheese, but thank you for your help with this breakthrough!


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Oh Wise One,

How much faith should I put in my fortune cookies? I didn't used to worry about it because I kept getting ones that had random sayings and good advice, but all of a sudden it's like they're really talking to me. "All your sorrows will vanish" and "Your luck is about to change." Should I trust them and go buy lotto tickets?


Dear Fortunate Cookie

If that is the order you got your Fortunes in, you must act quickly. Fortune Cookie Regulations require a one week minimum for the Cookie to impact your life. After that period, the next Cookie is allowed to change or overrule the first. In your case, "Your luck is about to change," will give you the opposite of the Vanishing Sorrows Cookie.

The best advice for your situation is to bring other factors into play. Lotto tickets can still be a good investment if you simply break a mirror before your luck is inverted.


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