The War against Time wages on... but I cornered Time enough to bring you these health tips.


I dropped something heavy on my finger at work. How do I know if it's broken or just bruised?


Dear Injured,

You could go to a doctor, but that costs money. Money that I presume your employer has not provided since you came to me.

A cheaper way to find out would be to hitch a ride to another planet with a different colored sun. When you expose yourself to the right color (usually 2 hues up on the color spectrum), you should find, among other things, that you have developed X-ray vision and can see your bones for yourself.


Dear Dr. Cheese,

What is ebola exactly? And how worried should I be about it being only 3 states away?

Medical Moron

Dear M.M.,

Ebola is a dangerous and potentially deadly virus. You should be totally and utterly terrified that it exists in even a single person within your national borders. But don't panic. There are things you can do to protect yourself.

The best way to avoid ebola would be to pack up all your things and travel 87 years into the future. I've received word from my Future Self that ebola will no longer pose a threat by then.

Do be aware that there is a slim chance that the future you travel to will still have ebola. This would mean that removing yourself from the timeline somehow delays or prevents a cure, and that your presence here in the present somehow contributes to the end of ebola. So if this happens, please come back.

If running away to the future doesn't work for you, you'll have to settle for locking yourself indoors for the next 87 years to stay safe.


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