gardening

Dear Cheeser,

I admit it. I waited way too long to mow my lawn and now it's a jungle out there. I was finally going to take care of it, but some tree-hugger said he found a new kind of plant or something and chained himself in front of my mower. How do I get my lawn back under control?

Ready to Whack Weeds

Dear Weed Whacker,

All you really need is a change in perspective. Not just anyone can create the right conditions for the Miracle of Evolution in the front lawn. Even by accident. In other words: you are sitting on a Gold Mine.

Sell your lawn to Science and use the money to buy a new one. You should also consider investing some of the money in a lawn care service once your new lawn is installed.

~Kevin

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Dear ESEEHC,

Where can I find pickle seeds? I've looked everywhere and only found cucumber and every other vegitable.

In a Pickle

P.S. Is there pickle flavored cheese?

Dear Ina,

Can I presume that when you say "everywhere" that it's just a figure of speech? After all, in our Infinite Universe, everything grows somewhere.

To find pickle seeds you should look to the Garden Gnomes of Middle Iowa. They are the only people to successfully pickle cucumbers without killing the seeds. These seeds are sold year round at their Garden Gnome Farmers' Market.

Oddly enough, they do also sell a pickle flavored cheese, but I don't really recommend it.

~Kevin

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Cheese Boss

I can't apply for a job until I upload my college transcripts. But when I scan them the pdf file size is waaaaay too big. How do I fix this?

-Frantic

Dear Fran,

If the file size is too big, that means the transcript is too big. Use a photocopier that can reduce the page size and try scanning again.

~Kevin

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Mr. Colby,

There's some kind of plague going around my work place. How can I avoid it?

Clinging to Health

Dear Clinger,

Your safest course of action is to simply avoid your workplace. If you can, work from home. If not, contract yourself a lesser illness that will allow you to take time off until the plague passes.

~Kevin

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Cheesey Guy,

I found this video on YouTube that seems to show proof of a time traveler in the 1920's with a cell phone. Could this be for real?

Hopeful Skeptic

Here's the video:

Dear Hopeful,

Yes... but no. That time traveler is a phony. Sure, she brought her iPhone back to 1928 and got herself captured by a camera that she knew would be there. But look at that smile when she looks at the camera. That's the smile of a prankster who knows that she's got people fooled. The fact remains (and in a few years it will be proven) that no mere cell phone sized battery can hold up more than a few seconds when transmitting through Time.

The time traveler and her iPhone are real, but it's a prank call.

~Kevin

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Help me Skippy,

Spring time is here and I'm helpless in the garden. How can I get myself a green thumb?

Lost with Tomatoes

Dear Lost,

Well, if you like to talk to tomatoes, it sounds like you're in good company. Granted, not many tomatoes can speak back. Nevertheless, there's no need for you to be helpless when hired help is listed in the phone book.

As far as your thumb goes, all you need is bowl of water and some food coloring.

~Kevin

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