Sorry everyone. I have done a lousy job of updating this past month. I'd like to say that I've been away because I drifted out of time and thought after vanquishing a mighty foe and am now returning as a higher level advice columnist. But alas, the battle is still in progress.

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I have a day-job that occupies a large part of my time. The Square Root of Cheese has always been a free time project. And until I find a way to make the Bills stop coming, it will have to stay like that.*

The reason for the delay is that I've been so unhappy with my day job lately that I find myself having to follow some of my own advice and start looking for a new one. This takes time. More specifically, the time reserved for answering your questions. Thankfully, I see that no one has been submitting any questions, which must mean that none of you have any problems** anymore.

Updates will likely continue to be sporadic until I land that new job, but I will make every effort to continue answering your questions as frequently as I can as soon as you start having problems again.**


*Unless there were enough of you willing to buy ad-space*** or SRoC merchandise.***
**Even if you've been lucky enough to live a trouble free life, what about your friends and family? Surely one of them must have something they need help with. You should tell them about The Square Root of Cheese just in case.
***if, by some chance, these opportunities actually do interest you, leave a comment or send an email to let me know.
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Dear Cheeser,

I admit it. I waited way too long to mow my lawn and now it's a jungle out there. I was finally going to take care of it, but some tree-hugger said he found a new kind of plant or something and chained himself in front of my mower. How do I get my lawn back under control?

Ready to Whack Weeds

Dear Weed Whacker,

All you really need is a change in perspective. Not just anyone can create the right conditions for the Miracle of Evolution in the front lawn. Even by accident. In other words: you are sitting on a Gold Mine.

Sell your lawn to Science and use the money to buy a new one. You should also consider investing some of the money in a lawn care service once your new lawn is installed.


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Where can I find pickle seeds? I've looked everywhere and only found cucumber and every other vegitable.

In a Pickle

P.S. Is there pickle flavored cheese?

Dear Ina,

Can I presume that when you say "everywhere" that it's just a figure of speech? After all, in our Infinite Universe, everything grows somewhere.

To find pickle seeds you should look to the Garden Gnomes of Middle Iowa. They are the only people to successfully pickle cucumbers without killing the seeds. These seeds are sold year round at their Garden Gnome Farmers' Market.

Oddly enough, they do also sell a pickle flavored cheese, but I don't really recommend it.


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Cheese Boss

I can't apply for a job until I upload my college transcripts. But when I scan them the pdf file size is waaaaay too big. How do I fix this?


Dear Fran,

If the file size is too big, that means the transcript is too big. Use a photocopier that can reduce the page size and try scanning again.


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Hey Coach,

It seems like every time I actually get to see my favorite team play, they lose. Does the fact that I'm watching make them screw up? Should I show my support by not watching?

Unlucky Fan

Dear Fan,

It sounds like you have a Luck deficiency. It's very likely that it is entirely your fault that your team is losing. Luckily, the cure is fairly simple.

You will need to spend more time around Lucky artifacts: Roll around in a clover field, get a pet rabbit (they each come with four Lucky rabbit's feet), and start every day with a bowl of Lucky Charms (even better [if you can handle the sugar] would be to eat seven bowls daily).

Until your luck turns around, the best way to show your support would be to support the other team.


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Dear Cheese,

A friend who's moving has offered to sell her house to me at a great price, but it's in the wrong town! How do I decide between a great house and a great commute?


Dear ?,

It may sound impossible, but you don't have to choose. You just need to get in touch with the folks at Aperture Science*, where the Impossible is easy!

With their flagship product, the Portal Gun you can create an intradimensional portal between your new home and your workplace. However, since you're looking to save money, and the device is outrageously expensive,** you will want to look into simply renting one long enough to just move the house itself*** to a more convenient location.

*As of this writing, their website seems to be down for the holidays (and some kind of internal computer issues). I'm sure they'll be open for business again soon.
**The hand-held portal device is worth more than the combined incomes of everyone in your old and new hometowns.
***If you take this route, you will also need a shrink-ray (available in most hobby stores). The portals created by the device were intended for personal use and as such are only about as big as your average doorway.
****Note to self: find a better way to do footnotes.


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Mr. Cheese,

My neighbors just got a new pet and they let the thing run wild! It's torn up my garden, scuffed up my siding by scratching itself against it, and made a toilet of my front lawn! I've confronted them about it and they accused me of "planting" the evidence! RIDICULOUS! That means I'd have to have TOUCHED it! Never!
How do I keep that yak away from my house?


Dear Yaksbane,

Some Yaksbane would actually be a pretty good idea. It has a powerful smell, but I'm sure it's preferable to more yak-damage. You should also check into your local leash laws. Most places require unattended yaks to be on a leash or in a kennel.

Meanwhile, I would suggest that you "flush" your lawn of yak poo by investing in the Portal Gun I recommended to "Moving?". Create an exit portal facing your neighbor's lawn and place the entrance portal directly under the "evidence." No touching required!


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Before we get rolling, I'd like to make a quick note that despite some stability issues, the About page has been restored. The layout is still shifting once or twice a day, but things should settle down soon.

Now then, on to your questions:

Dear Cheese^2,

I'm having difficulty making friends. I moved to a small town for student teaching and it turns out that I am neither like my spring chicken students nor like the older than mold teachers! How do I connect?

--Middle of Nowhere

Dear Middle,

Age is really just a matter of perspective. Try and strike up a conversation about something older than dirt (far older than mold) and see if you can find some common ground. Better still, if you can find someone who is older than dirt to hold this conversation near, your chances may be much better. And definitely, don't try this around the chickens.


Dear Cheese-Master

I'm not good at making time for things. My work is falling behind and my social life is suffering... Can you recommend a good time-machine dealership? I can't afford any of the big names.

Short on Time and Cash

Dear Shorty

Start putting money aside now. Preferably somewhere that it will collect interest. If you can save up enough cash at any future point in your lifetime, you can have your time-machine tonight! Just bring it back to yourself once you've bought it.

A word of caution: Be sure to set an appointment of when and where to expect your future self to arrive. Destructive paradoxes frequently result from time travelers interrupting and changing their own past actions. If you are expected, you won't actually change anything.


Dear Kevin,

How cann I graft_t my ownn-.... my own....-... my own pine-- pine-- pine pine pine


Sorry folks... it looks like something in that last question tripped a breaker here at the SRoC...

Join us again next week for more advice, and more stability improvements.


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