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cheese Archives - The Square Root of Cheese


[note: This question was received on Dec. 30th]

Dear Cheese Prophet

Why didn't the world end last week? I thought Christmas shopping would be a waste of time… now people are mad at me. What went wrong?


Dear Shunned,

You must have missed it. The End did come. In fact, it came and went several times in the last couple of years. But you forget that our world is full of heroes who are constantly defending the Earth and its inhabitants from peril and/or certain doom. Usually someone steps in before The End comes, but every once in a while someone has to step up after the fact to set things right. This thing with the Myans that you're referring to was the latter.

It's also important to note that just because the unthinkable has happened, (i.e. ancient clocks have synchronized; a dark prophecy is fulfilled; a freakish plague breaks out; etc.) and we find our world full of lava, zombies, and/or rabid squirrels… That doesn't mean things have to stay that way.

Anyway, the point is that you can't go using the threat of global destruction as an excuse to save money and/or avoid family. Unlikely heroes are always likely to crop up when the planet is in jeopardy.

As for the people you've upset, it's never too late -- even with my late response -- to smooth things over with the gift of cheese.


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Dear Jack Cheddar,

Is it true that all matter and energy is made of Brie cheese?

Peter O. H. Q. V. Griffin LXVI

I can't say that I'm familiar with that theory. It may be worth looking into if you can provide any further information or support for this idea.

Is it possible that you're thinking of Pre-Cheese instead? It could be that you misheard part of the Big Meltdown* theory. (similar to, but not to be confused with the Big Crunch) It states that eventually the gravity of Everything will cause the Universe to stop expanding, shrink back, and collapse in on itself. It continues that rather than creating a massive Black Hole, all that compacted mater and energy will churn itself into a molten state and turn to cheese as it slowly cools.


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I used to be a morning person, but I'm not sleeping well lately. For some reason I'm tired all day, but when I finally go to bed at night I can't sleep. Is it possible that I've become a vampire and just can't remember? This would be a big problem for my social life.

-Nearly Nocturnal

Dear Nearly,

If you have a high pain tolerance, it is possible. Try to think back to when you first noticed the trouble. Did you spend the night with any friends who are paler than average? Have you been to Transylvania recently? Do you have reason to believe you might have recently died and been reanimated by a malevolent spirit?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you should be on the lookout for other symptoms. There are several types of vampires, and so your symptoms may vary, but here are a few early signs to watch out for: Sudden food allergies, most commonly garlic and the Vitamin-D* found in sunlight; faded or absent reflections in mirrors; reduced desire to cook your meat as well done as before; an increased desire to bite irritating people.

*(Not all vampires are deathly allergic to sunlight. Most simply happen to be night people. [If you insist on hunting the living for our blood, you will get much better results {and less angry mobs} if you avoid doing this in broad daylight.] A few vampires are even known to glitter in the sunlight. However, this small group tends to keep to itself because all other vampires find the sparkling to be offensive and "un-vampiric")

If you recognize any of these symptoms, talk to your doctor. There is no known 'cure' for vampiric transformation, but your doctor can better help you know what to expect and should be able to get you connected with a local Coven that can help you adapt to your new life.

Or it could just be stress. Go watch a scary movie and take you mind off your own troubles for a while.


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Dear Big Cheese,

What's the best way to deal with a flooded basement? And how do I make sure it doesn't happen again?


Dear Soggy,

As I'm sure you know, flooding is simply caused by the local water table rising above the level of your basement. All you need to do is elevate your basement above any probable flood stage. Do be aware, however, that this may require you to add on to your home's entryway or front porch.


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Again, I apologize for making you wait for your advice, but I think you will agree that this installment was worth the wait!

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Mr. Of Cheese,

I'm worried about my co-workers. My job often requires some heavy lifting, and several of my teammates have been hurt and can't lift heavy things like they used to be able to. They weren't job related injuries; that's not the problem. It's just that now the rest of us have to pick up the slack. How can we get them to heal faster?

Medically Challenged

Dear MC,

It sounds like your employer ought to invest in some Telekinetic Enhancement Rigs. These devices will allow your co-workers to spare their bodies by lifting with their minds instead. It enhances anyone's own natural ability for Telekinesis, however limited (or nonexistent) it might be.

These devices are rather expensive and rarely covered by insurance, which could make it a tough sell to your boss. But there is potential for a 'preventative health' tax credit if they can document how the Rigs are being used to prevent injury.


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Mr. OfCheese,

Why are Leprechauns green? And why don't they like cheese? More importantly, shouldn't you have answered questions like this last week?

Green Cheese

Dear Cheese Man,

Let me take your questions in order:

First, Leprechauns aren't actually green, it's a common misconception based on the idea that they always wear green clothing -- which is an even more common misconception. In fact, because of such stereotyping, many of them avoid wearing any green at all.

Secondly, Leprechauns disliking cheese is an outright lie. They enjoy it as much as any other sentient being.

Finally, I actually did answer such a question last week. However, the question and my answer were magically intercepted and removed by a band of Leprechauns that were sick of all the attention of St. Patrick's Day. Luck was on their side, and they made a clean getaway.


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My Dearest Sir Cheese,

After solving the world energy, hunger, and war problems, I stumbled upon the great philosophical idea of the square root of cheese. At first it seemed to me that the square root of cheese was an imaginary value such as i, but recently mathematical evidence has compelled me to believe that the square root of cheese, in fact, is equal to the square root of Wisconsin which is (e^(7342.11*pi))*California=42356.43524354898989889898948291. Am I correct in thinking this?

Forever and Always,

Dear Aladin,

I must say, I am impressed! Mathematically, your solution checks out. It's not a complete solution (I'll get to that in a minute), but this is still a big day for the Square Root of Cheese!

For those of you having trouble following, here's the mathematical proof. It's true that if you average Wisconsin, you get Cheese, therefore, "Wisconsin = Cheese" is a true statement. From there it's a simple substitution into the formula for finding the square root of a geographic area, shown above. This means that 42,356.43524354898989889898948291 should work for most mathematical applications of The Square Root of Cheese in the same way that 3.14 works as an approximation for pi. *(I say approximation because cheese is organic, which means that its value can fluctuate.)

You're right that's it's not exactly like i, but it's not really unlike i either. When you use mathematical operations on cheese products, it throws the value into the gap between Real and Imaginary numbers. It is within this gap that the true solutions lie.

There is still much to be studied about the Square Root of Cheese, but thank you for your help with this breakthrough!


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NOTICE: Do not eat the cheese!

It hasn't been easy, but the barrier is weakening. It took some clever semantics but I was able to upload applications of weed killer (hence the above notice). Even though the giga-flower in the web-page structure has defensively transmogrified itself into this wall of cheese, it has retained enough plant-like properties that the weed killer is wearing it down.

I should be able to get a couple of questions answered tomorrow. Later than promised, which I do apologize for.

My initial plan was to attach a cheese knife to a weed hacker... but then came the question of how to upload a physical device into cyberspace. Which is really the same reason I can't just download the flower/cheese wall out of there. Maybe someday I'll elaborate on this in a future KROC.

Come back tomorrow and we'll see how much advice I can get through the weakened barrier.

Again don't eat the cheese... most of it is saturated with weed killer.

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This cheese wall is a real nuisance... Three days to tunnel through it again, and I could only fit one question!

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What do you get when you cross candy canes and peanut butter?


Dear Beth

Chocolate Bunnies.


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Wait, what?

That settles it. The cheese wall must go. It didn't let all of my answer through! Granted, I got the basic point across, but it looks like a lazy copout from someone who was too busy to offer any real advice... I can't allow that.

My apologies to the rest of you who submitted questions. Rest assured they will soon be answered as I learn how to deal with this barricade that's planted itself in the code.

Next weekend is a holiday, so I'll take the week off from advice and work on this cheese-flower problem. Be looking forward to April 11th!

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It would seem that the power surge earlier this week caused a probability rift in the already unstable web-page structure. This started a chain reaction which ultimately transmogrified a bit of the HTML into an enormous flower. You may have seen it peeking though the title/header earlier this week.

Oddly enough, this giga-flower taking root in the code actually served to stabilize the randomly shifting layout. But... being a human male, I'm not really interested in having a flowery website.

As you can see, my attempts to remove the flower have been moderately successful. Kind of...

My attempted deflorestation triggered a defense mechanism in the flower and it transmogrified itself into a brick wall of cheese with floral graffiti.

It's a step in the right direction anyway. And still fairly stable.

It's worth noting that getting updates through the cheese-wall has proven a little difficult. I triggered the defensive transmogrification two days ago and just now broke through... Which is another way of saying that tomorrow's advice update may be later than the last couple. I will however strive to get it through before the weekend's end.

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