cats

Dear Readers,

I am reminded that I once promised to write an article about cats. Sadly, I have not yet had a chance to retrieve my notes from under the fridge. So rather than leave you hanging (or bore you with excuses about why there's been no updates), Here's in an informational video that some clever engineers put together.

~Kevin

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It's fall now, and the leaves are covering my yard like crazy. I just don't have the time or energy to get out there and rake after work. Are there any other ways I can get my yard cleared that don't involve so much work?

-Leave Me Be

Dear Leaf,

It is a little known fact that several weather deities offer yard waste removal services this time of year. If you can afford it, you can have a custom, localized wind storm take all the leaves away. For a small extra fee, you can have it sent to the nearest dump or compost site.

~Kevin

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Help

No matter what I do, I'm always finding one more thing that needs doing before I go to bed each night. This happens 7 or 8 times a night! Im EXHAUSTED!!@

Dear Exhausted!!@,

If these things really need to be done, then you just have to let yourself sleep in a bit more after you've worked so hard. Surely your employer will understand.

~Kevin

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cheese guy

how do i keep my kitty off the table when im not home?

i can has clean table

Dear cheeseburger,

The perfect way to deter your pet is to set up a motion detector so that whenever Kitty hops up on the table it will trigger an anti-gravity ray or a tractor beam. As long as you are careful about programming where the beam will relocate your animal to, these devices are perfectly safe. Also the momentary weightlessness that Kitty experiences should adequately freak the critter out so that it will think twice before jumping on the table again.

~Kevin

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Don't forget, the sale in the Gift Shop ends tonight. Check last week's post for the coupon codes. And now, as promised, here's a fresh batch of advice!

Dear Cheese Man,

You seem to be good with words, maybe you can help me. I started playing Scrabble with my boyfriend so we could have a way to spend time together online, and even gave him a Scrabble dictionary for his birthday. We've been having a great time, but lately he's been starting to make really fantastic plays and win the game more often. I think he may be becoming a logophile, and it's hurting my game stats. What should I do?

-Dethroned Scrabble Queen

Dear Dethroned,

Scrabble has indeed been known to bring out logophilia in otherwise normal people. If he has caused any pain to your stats, you must take action now. Start by doing what you can to limit his exposure to word games and insist that he play number games with you instead. Then watch for signs of withdrawal: kibitzing with a disproportionately extravagant vocabulary, trying to make words with numbers that look like letters, or insisting that the numbers are letters.

If he can play a game of Uno like a normal person, then his condition is not serious, and you need only study the dictionary yourself and step up your own game. If not, then your only way to keep your stats safe is to make the hard choice to play word games with other people.

~Kevin

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Cheesey GUy,

You mentioned before that you have cats. One of our cats keeps knocking his water bowl around and making a mess. Have you had to deal with this and how did you do it?

Sick of Soggy Socks

Dear Soggy,

Our cat Lightning used to love playing with his water bowl, spilling half of it's contents on the floor. It seems that cats like to have fresh, running water. If it isn't, some cats will simulate freshness by making the water move.

We have tried a heavier bowl with a skid-resistant bottom. This only encouraged him to hit it harder which resulted in even more spilling.

Some experts suggest one of those fancy bowls with a fountain that keeps the water moving, but personal experience has shown me that this is far from foolproof. The water always moves the same way, and Lightning sometimes gets bored with that and decides to try and make it more exciting.

The only true solution is to firmly attach the bowl to the floor. Velcro, while it makes it easier to clean and refill the bowl, is not a firm enough attachment. Tape could be a workable solution; but our other cat, Zooky, seems to think that all forms of tape are edible. Glue risks exposing the cats to harmful fumes and chemicals. The only remaining solution (which we have not yet cleared with our landlord) is to nail the bowl to the floor. Kitty will never move that bowl again.

~Kevin

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it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m happy to see that you’re still living trouble free lives, or at least not needing my advice. It hasn't given me much to write about, but I've been pretty busy anyway.

I did warn you last time about questionable timing of updates, but I might as well admit I let myself get distracted. Aside from my job search... well, you know how it goes... one little misadventure leads to a little scientific breakthrough, and before you know it you've been studying it for hours on end until you pass out from the exhaustion that you'd been ignoring only to wake and find that the cat has playfully batted essential portions of your notes and findings under the refrigerator. I'll publish it as soon as I get it back.

But that’s not to say that I’ve got nothing to show for the last two months. First of all, I’ve given the “About” page a long overdue overhaul. If you’ve never understood how or why I do what I do here, now’s the time to revisit that page.

Lastly, I’m not going to let a lack of questions stop me from offering help. To accomplish this, I’ve opened a Gift Shop. Suppose that people don’t seem to understand your sense of humor, or you want to remind yourself how serious you were about dropping that bad habit, or you just want to strengthen your marriage. I have items for sale that can help with all of these scenarios, and if they prove useful I will certainly add more.

Stay tuned, dear readers. I am still alive and will continue updating as time and cats allow.

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Dear Mr. OfCheese,

There are so many times I've wanted to be a fly on the wall... Is there really a way to do that without being accused of spying?

Nosey

Dear Nosy,

Not really, but you can build one. Check your local hobby store for a kit. Some kits even come with a preset shrink ray that allows you to pilot your fly more easily.

There is also a similar Mouse In The Corner kit. It's cheaper because it doesn't have any of the intricate flight components, but I don't really recommend it. If you happen to be spotted, a Fly On The Wall needs only to fly higher to avoid being swatted; a Mouse In The Corner is, by definition, already cornered.

~Kevin

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Hey,

I've lost my motivation. Have you seen it?

meh.

Dear Meh,

Sorry, no. I haven't seen it. Have you checked in the sofa cushions? I often lose mine while sitting on the couch. Or, if you have cats, there's a good chance that it was stolen, played with, and then knocked under the fridge. Good luck in your search.

~Kevin

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