advice on advice

Mr. Cheese Master,

I promised my readers that I would update last Thursday, but I'm only just now getting around to it... How can I keep from losing what few readers I have with my erratic schedule?

Bacon Pi

Dear Pi Guy,

You can't. Find a clever way to apologize and start working ahead for a change.


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Dear Cheese Doc,

My electronics keep dying on me... I've lost 2 computers and an external hard drive in the last month alone. Am I cursed? How can I exorcise my home office?

Fearing for my cell phone

Dear Fear,

Let's not jump to any wild conclusions. It sounds to me like you just need an exterminator. You have a gremlin infestation.

Call a professional who specializes in gremlins. As technology has progressed and gotten smaller and faster, so too has the modern gremlin. Setting traps is not very effective since the smallest of the pests will make the traps malfunction and free the larger ones. It's very likely you will have to fumigate; and if that's the case, leave behind any electronics you normally carry with you (cell phone, iPod, blender, etc.) to make sure they are clean as well.

I would also advise telling your employer about your problem as soon as you are sure. You could be held responsible for knowingly infecting your workplace. Or, it's possible that the gremlins followed you home from work, in which case the responsibility for replacing your equipment is up to them.


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Mr. Cheesy~

I've heard that librarians are the real superheros. What superpowers do they have? Why don't I see them use their superpowers?

~Bookless in Brooklyn

Dear Bookless,

Yes, it's true. All librarians are super heros. There is some variation in what powers they have, but there is a "default set" that they nearly all have.

Their most common power is their great wisdom. There are very few questions they can't answer. And they will always know where to find these few answers.

The next most common power is enhanced hearing ability. If you've ever been given the stereotypical "Shush" by a librarian, you've probably just hurt his or her super sensitive ears. But today, most librarians are combatting this stereotype by taking advantage of hearing aid technology set in reverse.

There are of course, as many different powers among librarians as any other super heros: flying to reach the top shelf, super speed for rapid assistance, energy blasts, rock-hard skin, talking to cats, etc... However, you won't see many of these more obvious powers in use, because they tend to frighten the general public, and any resulting screams would hurt their delicate ears.


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It's been a quite a while, so it's high time for some of you patient folks to have your questions answered:

Dear Math Man,

I'd like to start my own advice column. Accept... I don't really want to give advice.. I want to give funny answers. Make people laugh, you know? How do I keep people from taking me to seriously?

Bacon Pi

Dear Bacon,

It all depends on the first impression you give people. The simplest answer is to spend your fist update or three answering questions from yourself.


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Hey Skippy,

I've got this old website I'd like to reboot, but I think all my readers have left in the 4 years since my last update. How can I rebuild my fan-base?

Old and Fanless

Dear Oldie,

Hmm...  I may be a bit rusty, but I think I can take on the two-part question you've given me.

If you want your readers back, you are going to have to instill in them some confidence that you won't leave them hanging for another four years until your next update. You will have to give them something to read at much shorter intervals. Making these intervals Regular is what will instill that confidence.

As for your fan-base, there are plenty of web-hosts out there that are powered entirely by wind energy. So if you really want your site to be based on fans, these hosts will do your rebuilding for you.


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Something strange has just happened to my website... It was once barren and neglected, but suddenly has a spark of life to it. This is not a problem at all. In fact, can you tell me how to hang onto this new energy?


Dear Sparky,

I've noticed it too. My own site was devoid of life for about 4 years or so until very recently. It's also somehow taken on a bloggish quality.

I believe it has something to do with the convergence of Daylight Savings Time and Pi Day. Somehow, this dispersed a surge of energy that was drawn to cheesy websites like ours throughout cyberspace.

The challenge now is to keep that spark alive. You (and I) must fan the flame with a good base of fans. Oh, and some effort on your part to do regular updates would also go a long way.


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