I must appologise for my long absence. Both of you reading this deserve an explanation.

This web page never really restabilized after abruptly coming back into existence last year. The quantum structure finally collapsed and took my computer out in the process.

Today's revival is brought to you by National Cheese Appreciation Day! This day holds a special power for all things cheesy... which is what brings me back to you today.

As seen earlier today, I'm back to answer your questions. Just send me an email at TheSquare(at)RootOfCheese(dot)com.

Also, as today is Penguin Awareness Day, I've decided to reopen access to the archives. Click here to see this page as it existed in my younger days. Deep in those archives, you will find my notes on a long forgotten species of penguin.

Be looking for another update next Thursday.


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I should have been more careful when taking that question about the Triangle. Long story short (I'll come back to it at the end of this post), it triggered a chain reaction that swept the SRoC and I away on the Winds of Time... And then buried it in the Sands of Time. In fact I'd still be lost if not for the crosswinds of Daylight Savings Time sweeping me back next week.

Thanks to this, things are pretty unstable around here again. Especially with regards to time. Updates will likely appear sporadic and random until things settle down and the Sands quit shifting. I'll aim to do so on as close to a weekly basis as circumstances allow.

[The longer version: Those of you paying close attention may have noticed that my answer to the Triangle question initially posted itself on the previous Tuesday. It also took all the weed killer and dead plant with it. This made for twice as much weed killer on that prior Tuesday which then continued to exist alongside the original application of weed killer until it was knocked back in time again. In other words, a dangerous Temporal Feedback Loop was created. This feedback caused two things: I was lost in Time, as mentioned above, and an infinite amount of weed killer obliterated anything plantlike in the website. It also trapped the chemicals in the past so that from that point forward in time, the Square Root of Cheese became entirely non-toxic.]

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NOTICE: Do not eat the cheese!

It hasn't been easy, but the barrier is weakening. It took some clever semantics but I was able to upload applications of weed killer (hence the above notice). Even though the giga-flower in the web-page structure has defensively transmogrified itself into this wall of cheese, it has retained enough plant-like properties that the weed killer is wearing it down.

I should be able to get a couple of questions answered tomorrow. Later than promised, which I do apologize for.

My initial plan was to attach a cheese knife to a weed hacker... but then came the question of how to upload a physical device into cyberspace. Which is really the same reason I can't just download the flower/cheese wall out of there. Maybe someday I'll elaborate on this in a future KROC.

Come back tomorrow and we'll see how much advice I can get through the weakened barrier.

Again don't eat the cheese... most of it is saturated with weed killer.

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This cheese wall is a real nuisance... Three days to tunnel through it again, and I could only fit one question!

pretty divider

What do you get when you cross candy canes and peanut butter?


Dear Beth

Chocolate Bunnies.


pretty divider

Wait, what?

That settles it. The cheese wall must go. It didn't let all of my answer through! Granted, I got the basic point across, but it looks like a lazy copout from someone who was too busy to offer any real advice... I can't allow that.

My apologies to the rest of you who submitted questions. Rest assured they will soon be answered as I learn how to deal with this barricade that's planted itself in the code.

Next weekend is a holiday, so I'll take the week off from advice and work on this cheese-flower problem. Be looking forward to April 11th!

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It would seem that the power surge earlier this week caused a probability rift in the already unstable web-page structure. This started a chain reaction which ultimately transmogrified a bit of the HTML into an enormous flower. You may have seen it peeking though the title/header earlier this week.

Oddly enough, this giga-flower taking root in the code actually served to stabilize the randomly shifting layout. But... being a human male, I'm not really interested in having a flowery website.

As you can see, my attempts to remove the flower have been moderately successful. Kind of...

My attempted deflorestation triggered a defense mechanism in the flower and it transmogrified itself into a brick wall of cheese with floral graffiti.

It's a step in the right direction anyway. And still fairly stable.

It's worth noting that getting updates through the cheese-wall has proven a little difficult. I triggered the defensive transmogrification two days ago and just now broke through... Which is another way of saying that tomorrow's advice update may be later than the last couple. I will however strive to get it through before the weekend's end.

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Before we get rolling, I'd like to make a quick note that despite some stability issues, the About page has been restored. The layout is still shifting once or twice a day, but things should settle down soon.

Now then, on to your questions:

Dear Cheese^2,

I'm having difficulty making friends. I moved to a small town for student teaching and it turns out that I am neither like my spring chicken students nor like the older than mold teachers! How do I connect?

--Middle of Nowhere

Dear Middle,

Age is really just a matter of perspective. Try and strike up a conversation about something older than dirt (far older than mold) and see if you can find some common ground. Better still, if you can find someone who is older than dirt to hold this conversation near, your chances may be much better. And definitely, don't try this around the chickens.


Dear Cheese-Master

I'm not good at making time for things. My work is falling behind and my social life is suffering... Can you recommend a good time-machine dealership? I can't afford any of the big names.

Short on Time and Cash

Dear Shorty

Start putting money aside now. Preferably somewhere that it will collect interest. If you can save up enough cash at any future point in your lifetime, you can have your time-machine tonight! Just bring it back to yourself once you've bought it.

A word of caution: Be sure to set an appointment of when and where to expect your future self to arrive. Destructive paradoxes frequently result from time travelers interrupting and changing their own past actions. If you are expected, you won't actually change anything.


Dear Kevin,

How cann I graft_t my ownn-.... my own....-... my own pine-- pine-- pine pine pine


Sorry folks... it looks like something in that last question tripped a breaker here at the SRoC...

Join us again next week for more advice, and more stability improvements.


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As you can see, The Square Root of Cheese is off to a fresh start. As I'm sure you can also see, that surge that got things going the other day has also left things a little unstable around here. The color scheme and layout have changed several times in the last 48 hours... The about page and the contact form have been wiped out... A previous version of the site has been trapped in the links section..

Well, in time I'll find a way to focus all this random energy. Meanwhile, the advice will continue. As it stands now, I'll be answering your questions every Sunday.

You can send your questions to TheSquare {at} RootofCheese [dot] com.

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