Drew in hand

As you can see, I've got my hands full with with an important new "project." I've been parenting just over two months now and have found that I can't help spending a large percentage of my free time with the little guy. Although this is partly because the actual amount of free time I have has been severely diminished since this memo went up at work 2.5 months ago.

Overtime Memo

Thankfully, things have eased up slightly since then. I've actually had multiple days off this last month - a couple of which were even consecutive.

Anyway, the point is that these two things combined have forced me to temporarily defenestrate the idea of sticking to a schedule. (Don't worry "Chief," your question isn't as pressing as you think.) As usual, you have my assurance that updates are in fact still coming. It's just hard to predict when.

May I suggest subscribing to my RSS feed? Or if you'd rather, I can notify you by email when I next update. Just leave a comment or email me through the Question Submission Form

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Hey Kevin!

My sister-in-law is expecting. How do I figure out whether I'm going to have a neice or a nephew to buy presents for? Are there signs I can watch for to figure it out? I would look for gender-neutral gifts, but they're so hard to find!

-Eager to Spoil Auntie-to-Be

Dear Etsatb,


There is indeed a very specific sign that you can watch for once Baby is about 20 weeks into his or her journey. That's when a good telescope will let you see whether the stork is carrying a pink or blue bundle. The pastel colors are difficult to make out any further away.

Do keep in mind that at any given time there are over 112,789,266 storks in transit across the globe. And even doctors have occasionally been wrong in spite of their ultrasonic equipment that helps them pick out the right stork.

But don't be discouraged by this either. With a good telescope and a decent sense of geometry and geography, you can still be about 84% sure that you've triangulated the coordinates of the correct Bundle of Joy.


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Hey Skippy,

Didn't you have something to tell us about Christmas? Or did "your cat" steal that one too?

Just Curious

Dear Justin,

Right. Christmas. Last time I did suggest that there may be cause for some concern... but there may not be. I don't want to raise an alarm if there's no cause for raising it. The phenomenon of Christmas Trees springing up in October requires more study.

What I can say is that it's not a worst case, end-of-the-universe scenario; so don't panic while you wait for me to get back to this. Besides, who really wants to hear me talk about Christmas in January?

And no, the cats were not involved.


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Help me smart guy,

I think my new neighbor are a vampire and wereworlf! I should move right?

padking in boston

Dear King of Pads,

Don't pack just yet. Or panic. It seems to be interfering with your spell-checker.

There are only three reasons that a vampire and a werewolf would be willing to live under the same roof, and you should respond differently to each scenario:

  1. They have turned away from 'the beast within' and are supporting each other in trying to live normal, human lives without hurting the people around them.

    How to tell: Just ask how long they've known each other. It will have been after a "big change" in their individual lives.

    What to do: Unpack and make friends if you like. You can be sure they're doing their best to not kill you.

  2. They were already very good friends before they were turned and their friendship is stronger than their new instincts. They may or may not be supportive of each other's new lifestyle, but if they do prey on mortals like ourselves, they would do so away from home so as not to offend their roommate.

    How to tell: Ask how long they've known each other. It will have been practically forever.

    What to do: You would actually be in greater danger if you moved further away form them. Be a polite neighbor but don't invite them over.

  3. The vampire's nose is broken or missing and he does not realize that his roommate is his natural enemy. There will be a messy blow up between them when the truth comes out.

    How to tell: Ask how long they've known each other after eating something heavily laden with garlic and watch to see if the vampire is repulsed by your breath.

    What to do: Resume packing but limit it to the essentials. Get out well before the next full moon, and be sure to do so in broad daylight.

Good luck to you.


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Yes... More delays than anticipated... again. But it's truly not my fault this time.

The Campaign for Real Time saw my last post and reported it to Temporal Investigations. Technically, I should have done this myself, but the change seemed too insignificant to waste T.I.'s valuable time with.

And so, I had to spend several days explaining to investigators why erasing that one post from history was not harmful to anyone else's timeline, and that this was the only notable change, and that only my personal timeline was affected by the incident in question. They still had to lock me out and go through the webserver to check for further damage and risks to the Timeline.

It turns out that it was a good thing they did. Their investigation proved that it was hardly even my fault! It was just another TimeQuake that Daylight Savings Time had more to do with it than I did.

But now that we're past all that, It's time to turn our attention to the Christmas season that is now upon us. Because really, hasn't it been upon us since at least mid-October? I believe I know why, and it may be cause for some concern. I'll have more information on this in the days ahead.

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Sorry everyone, but for the past couple weeks I seem to have forgotten that I run an advice column. Let me explain by answering one of your questions:

Dear Cheese Man,

i heard a rumor that you're going to be a cheese daddy. Is that why you haven't been updating?


Yes, the rumors are true, I am a Daddy! I know it's going to be a lot more work once the munchkin is born, but that doesn't mean fatherhood has been easy so far. Pregnancy has had a number of side-effects on my Beloved and I.

I've always been sympathetic to the troubles of others (why else would I start an advice column?), but somehow most of my symapathy pains have been worse than the originals that Beth is experiencing:

I'm forgetting things all the time; I've had a week and a half of nose bleeds, and I even had a miserable day of morning sickness that woke me at 4am... Meanwhile Beth has only been slightly forgetful, mildly nauseous, and had a single nose bleed.

This all has taught me a couple of things. First, is that doing my share of parenting already comes naturally. Second, is that unless I make The Square Root of Cheese a priority, Life will continue to present me with other ways to fill my time. I hereby commit to answering as many of your questions as I can by this time next week. (Don't forget, you can submit your questions right here.) Lastly, until this "Pregnancy Brain" passes, I'm learning to leave myself reminders of my commitments and things I need to finish. So, assuming I can remember where my reminders are, you can look forward to

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No advice this week. I have a doctor's note to excuse me.

Doctor's Note

I'll start taking questions again on Monday and will try to answer them by Thursday.

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Sorry everyone. I have done a lousy job of updating this past month. I'd like to say that I've been away because I drifted out of time and thought after vanquishing a mighty foe and am now returning as a higher level advice columnist. But alas, the battle is still in progress.

I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I have a day-job that occupies a large part of my time. The Square Root of Cheese has always been a free time project. And until I find a way to make the Bills stop coming, it will have to stay like that.*

The reason for the delay is that I've been so unhappy with my day job lately that I find myself having to follow some of my own advice and start looking for a new one. This takes time. More specifically, the time reserved for answering your questions. Thankfully, I see that no one has been submitting any questions, which must mean that none of you have any problems** anymore.

Updates will likely continue to be sporadic until I land that new job, but I will make every effort to continue answering your questions as frequently as I can as soon as you start having problems again.**


*Unless there were enough of you willing to buy ad-space*** or SRoC merchandise.***
**Even if you've been lucky enough to live a trouble free life, what about your friends and family? Surely one of them must have something they need help with. You should tell them about The Square Root of Cheese just in case.
***if, by some chance, these opportunities actually do interest you, leave a comment or send an email to let me know.
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Sorry for the delay, everyone. It's a long story that started with a new laptop and ended with a trip to the vet. But, I'll tell you about it later. These questions have been anxiously waiting for an answer:

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Here's the deal,

My dentist tells me I have to floss and brush more, but I'm a busy guy! Isn't there another way?

I. B. Rushed

Dear Ivan,

Just stop eating foods that stick to your teeth. Then you won't have to worry about remembering to brush it off later.


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Dear Skippy,

My wife keeps telling me about how "the dishes won't take care of themselves." How do we get those slackers to pull their own weight?

Dishing It Out

Dear Mr. Out,

She isn't saying what you think she's saying. A lot of women do this. It's called Dropping Hints Instead of Asking For Help Outright. For some reason, they seem to like it better when we decide to help out on our own rather than having to be asked. This is their way of helping us do that.

Now as for your dishes, they really do sound like slackers, so it's no wonder that your wife is Dropping Hints. The key word here is Discipline. Maintain discipline at all times and never give them an inch. It will take both of you to do this. Remember that word Mr. Out; Discipline.


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I know... I blew it. I totally missed last week's update. I apologize.

It's ready now, but I've decided to turn this into an opportunity to get ahead. What's ready now, will come out on Thursday. What I've been working on for this week, will be for next week. Suddenly, I'm working ahead! Maybe someday I'll be far enough ahead that I can dispense advice multiple times a week!

In the meantime, thanks for putting up with Lemons like this last week.

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