Well, the timer is about to run out on the opportunity to order a Pikaboo shirt, and the goal is not anywhere close to being met. I guess you guys aren't ready for this yet... But your kids -- something's got to be done about your kids! Without a convincing image of a friendly monster on your shirt, the more fearsome monsters that tend to come out this time of year will think your home is unprotected.

...Then again, most of you have likely already put up Monster Decoys and/or Dead Thing Simulators so your home will look like it has already been under attack.

Oh well. This was only my second attempt. The third is bound to be a charm.

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My dear readers,

Do I still have any readers? It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?
There is much that I have wanted to do... so many things that I said I would do... so much that I could have accomplished by now... and have not done...

The problem is Time. I can’t get anything done without it, but I rarely have Time when I need it. And when I do have Time, it's always slipping away and running out on me.

You might say that it’s my own fault for not keeping a closer watch on Time. And I must admit that I have underestimated how fast it can move... Regardless, it has become clear that Time is not on my side. And if Time is against me, then I need to take a more offensive stance.

I am declaring War on Time.

No more will Time get the best of me. No more talk of “If I can find time.” No more will whole months pass without new content. No more excuses.


Watch out Time. I’m coming for you.*


*I’m not looking to kill Time (then there would be no Time at all). But I’ll take any risk to tie back the hands of Time. I just want to slow it down so it can’t escape me again.

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Halloween is coming. Does your home have a Pikaboo (or some other friendly monster) to keep you safe? I've said before where to find one, but if you just can't, this shirt would be a fine alternative.

Teespring (the printer) promises High Quality Screen Printing. Which would make it better quality than anything currently available in my humble Gift Shop. BUT. Take note, these shirts will only print if the goal of selling 20 shirts is reached by Wednesday, October 16th. So tell tell your friends to tell their friends. (If the goal is not reached, nothing prints but nobody gets billed either)

Click the shirt below to go reserve one.

pikaboo tee

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Drew in hand

As you can see, I've got my hands full with with an important new "project." I've been parenting just over two months now and have found that I can't help spending a large percentage of my free time with the little guy. Although this is partly because the actual amount of free time I have has been severely diminished since this memo went up at work 2.5 months ago.

Overtime Memo

Thankfully, things have eased up slightly since then. I've actually had multiple days off this last month - a couple of which were even consecutive.

Anyway, the point is that these two things combined have forced me to temporarily defenestrate the idea of sticking to a schedule. (Don't worry "Chief," your question isn't as pressing as you think.) As usual, you have my assurance that updates are in fact still coming. It's just hard to predict when.

May I suggest subscribing to my RSS feed? Or if you'd rather, I can notify you by email when I next update. Just leave a comment or email me through the Question Submission Form

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Hey Kevin!

My sister-in-law is expecting. How do I figure out whether I'm going to have a neice or a nephew to buy presents for? Are there signs I can watch for to figure it out? I would look for gender-neutral gifts, but they're so hard to find!

-Eager to Spoil Auntie-to-Be

Dear Etsatb,


There is indeed a very specific sign that you can watch for once Baby is about 20 weeks into his or her journey. That's when a good telescope will let you see whether the stork is carrying a pink or blue bundle. The pastel colors are difficult to make out any further away.

Do keep in mind that at any given time there are over 112,789,266 storks in transit across the globe. And even doctors have occasionally been wrong in spite of their ultrasonic equipment that helps them pick out the right stork.

But don't be discouraged by this either. With a good telescope and a decent sense of geometry and geography, you can still be about 84% sure that you've triangulated the coordinates of the correct Bundle of Joy.


pretty divider

Hey Skippy,

Didn't you have something to tell us about Christmas? Or did "your cat" steal that one too?

Just Curious

Dear Justin,

Right. Christmas. Last time I did suggest that there may be cause for some concern... but there may not be. I don't want to raise an alarm if there's no cause for raising it. The phenomenon of Christmas Trees springing up in October requires more study.

What I can say is that it's not a worst case, end-of-the-universe scenario; so don't panic while you wait for me to get back to this. Besides, who really wants to hear me talk about Christmas in January?

And no, the cats were not involved.


pretty divider

Help me smart guy,

I think my new neighbor are a vampire and wereworlf! I should move right?

padking in boston

Dear King of Pads,

Don't pack just yet. Or panic. It seems to be interfering with your spell-checker.

There are only three reasons that a vampire and a werewolf would be willing to live under the same roof, and you should respond differently to each scenario:

  1. They have turned away from 'the beast within' and are supporting each other in trying to live normal, human lives without hurting the people around them.

    How to tell: Just ask how long they've known each other. It will have been after a "big change" in their individual lives.

    What to do: Unpack and make friends if you like. You can be sure they're doing their best to not kill you.

  2. They were already very good friends before they were turned and their friendship is stronger than their new instincts. They may or may not be supportive of each other's new lifestyle, but if they do prey on mortals like ourselves, they would do so away from home so as not to offend their roommate.

    How to tell: Ask how long they've known each other. It will have been practically forever.

    What to do: You would actually be in greater danger if you moved further away form them. Be a polite neighbor but don't invite them over.

  3. The vampire's nose is broken or missing and he does not realize that his roommate is his natural enemy. There will be a messy blow up between them when the truth comes out.

    How to tell: Ask how long they've known each other after eating something heavily laden with garlic and watch to see if the vampire is repulsed by your breath.

    What to do: Resume packing but limit it to the essentials. Get out well before the next full moon, and be sure to do so in broad daylight.

Good luck to you.


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Yes... More delays than anticipated... again. But it's truly not my fault this time.

The Campaign for Real Time saw my last post and reported it to Temporal Investigations. Technically, I should have done this myself, but the change seemed too insignificant to waste T.I.'s valuable time with.

And so, I had to spend several days explaining to investigators why erasing that one post from history was not harmful to anyone else's timeline, and that this was the only notable change, and that only my personal timeline was affected by the incident in question. They still had to lock me out and go through the webserver to check for further damage and risks to the Timeline.

It turns out that it was a good thing they did. Their investigation proved that it was hardly even my fault! It was just another TimeQuake that Daylight Savings Time had more to do with it than I did.

But now that we're past all that, It's time to turn our attention to the Christmas season that is now upon us. Because really, hasn't it been upon us since at least mid-October? I believe I know why, and it may be cause for some concern. I'll have more information on this in the days ahead.

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There are three things that need to be brought to your attention today. And each of them are theoretically related.

First, my job search has paid off! I gave my 2-weeks notice last Thursday and will be clocking out of Butter Maid for the last time next Thursday. The following Monday I start at the local Tool Box factory. The best part is that I'm expecting to work for the evening shift, which means that The Square Root of Cheese can officially be my Day Job!

Second is that Printfection, the printing service that handles orders for the Gift Shop, has decided to run another sale for no reason at all. Well, I'm declaring my above news as the reason for the sale. Here are the coupons you will need:

Dates: Today - November 3rd

Coupon Code: NoExcuse
Discount: Save $10 off an order with a subtotal of $50+

Coupon Code: PFLuvsU
Discount: Save $30 off an order with a subtotal of $100+

Disclaimer: Please enter coupon code NoExcuse or PFLuvsU before completing checkout. Minimums are based on the subtotal of products and does not include taxes or additional charges. This offer may not be combined with other offers. If enough people share this promo some orders may be delayed a little beyond normal ship times. Coupons valid from 10/27/2011 to 11/03/2011 11:59 pm Mountain Time.

The "I Quit" design on a mug

Lastly, this sale ends the same day my current job ends. Which makes this the perfect opportunity to promote one of the designs in the Gift Shop.

I initially came up with this design when I gave up a bad habit of my own. It was intended to help anyone in a similar situation to remember/celebrate how serious they were about quitting. But when I put it on a T-shirt and started to wear it to work, my coworkers misinterpreted it as a symbol of wanting to end my employment there.

After some thought I've decided that this is a fitting interpretation since I am on my way out now. So for the duration of this sale, I went ahead and slapped that image on every product that Printfection offers. But that's a lot to maintain. So when it's all over next week, I'll be scaling back to a more reasonable number of items. (Read: 'Limited time offer')

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I don't like to post twice in the same day, but I forgot something important. Something that will show you how serious I am about getting updates back on track next week. I'm announcing a sale in the gift shop to help spread the word about the Square Root of Cheese:

Coupon Code: SuperDuperShip
Discount: Free Shipping on Super Saver, International, and Canadian Airmail orders. No minimums

Coupon Code: SuperSave$10
Discount: $10 off orders with a subtotal of $50+

Coupon Code: Scary35%
Discount: 35% off orders with a subtotal of $100+

Dates: Today, October 13 - Thursday, October 22

The Fine Print: Please enter coupon code SuperDuperShip, SuperSave$10, OR Scary35% before completing checkout. Discount is applied to the base price and does not include taxes, or additional charges. This offer may not be combined with other offers. Coupons valid from 10/13/2011 to 10/22/2011 11:59 pm Mountain Time.

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Sorry everyone, but for the past couple weeks I seem to have forgotten that I run an advice column. Let me explain by answering one of your questions:

Dear Cheese Man,

i heard a rumor that you're going to be a cheese daddy. Is that why you haven't been updating?


Yes, the rumors are true, I am a Daddy! I know it's going to be a lot more work once the munchkin is born, but that doesn't mean fatherhood has been easy so far. Pregnancy has had a number of side-effects on my Beloved and I.

I've always been sympathetic to the troubles of others (why else would I start an advice column?), but somehow most of my symapathy pains have been worse than the originals that Beth is experiencing:

I'm forgetting things all the time; I've had a week and a half of nose bleeds, and I even had a miserable day of morning sickness that woke me at 4am... Meanwhile Beth has only been slightly forgetful, mildly nauseous, and had a single nose bleed.

This all has taught me a couple of things. First, is that doing my share of parenting already comes naturally. Second, is that unless I make The Square Root of Cheese a priority, Life will continue to present me with other ways to fill my time. I hereby commit to answering as many of your questions as I can by this time next week. (Don't forget, you can submit your questions right here.) Lastly, until this "Pregnancy Brain" passes, I'm learning to leave myself reminders of my commitments and things I need to finish. So, assuming I can remember where my reminders are, you can look forward to

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No advice this week. I have a doctor's note to excuse me.

Doctor's Note

I'll start taking questions again on Monday and will try to answer them by Thursday.

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