~Kevin

The War against Time wages on... but I cornered Time enough to bring you these health tips.

[Greeting-Here]

I dropped something heavy on my finger at work. How do I know if it's broken or just bruised?

[Sender-Name-Here]

Dear Injured,

You could go to a doctor, but that costs money. Money that I presume your employer has not provided since you came to me.

A cheaper way to find out would be to hitch a ride to another planet with a different colored sun. When you expose yourself to the right color (usually 2 hues up on the color spectrum), you should find, among other things, that you have developed X-ray vision and can see your bones for yourself.

~Kevin

Dear Dr. Cheese,

What is ebola exactly? And how worried should I be about it being only 3 states away?

Medical Moron

Dear M.M.,

Ebola is a dangerous and potentially deadly virus. You should be totally and utterly terrified that it exists in even a single person within your national borders. But don't panic. There are things you can do to protect yourself.

The best way to avoid ebola would be to pack up all your things and travel 87 years into the future. I've received word from my Future Self that ebola will no longer pose a threat by then.

Do be aware that there is a slim chance that the future you travel to will still have ebola. This would mean that removing yourself from the timeline somehow delays or prevents a cure, and that your presence here in the present somehow contributes to the end of ebola. So if this happens, please come back.

If running away to the future doesn't work for you, you'll have to settle for locking yourself indoors for the next 87 years to stay safe.

~Kevin

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Well, the timer is about to run out on the opportunity to order a Pikaboo shirt, and the goal is not anywhere close to being met. I guess you guys aren't ready for this yet... But your kids -- something's got to be done about your kids! Without a convincing image of a friendly monster on your shirt, the more fearsome monsters that tend to come out this time of year will think your home is unprotected.

...Then again, most of you have likely already put up Monster Decoys and/or Dead Thing Simulators so your home will look like it has already been under attack.

Oh well. This was only my second attempt. The third is bound to be a charm.

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No more waiting. The Pikaboo shirt is back.

image

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My dear readers,

Do I still have any readers? It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?
There is much that I have wanted to do... so many things that I said I would do... so much that I could have accomplished by now... and have not done...

The problem is Time. I can’t get anything done without it, but I rarely have Time when I need it. And when I do have Time, it's always slipping away and running out on me.

You might say that it’s my own fault for not keeping a closer watch on Time. And I must admit that I have underestimated how fast it can move... Regardless, it has become clear that Time is not on my side. And if Time is against me, then I need to take a more offensive stance.

aim4time
I am declaring War on Time.

No more will Time get the best of me. No more talk of “If I can find time.” No more will whole months pass without new content. No more excuses.

NO MORE.

Watch out Time. I’m coming for you.*

~Kevin


*I’m not looking to kill Time (then there would be no Time at all). But I’ll take any risk to tie back the hands of Time. I just want to slow it down so it can’t escape me again.

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Dear Cheese Person,

How is it that the Mario brothers are able to jump so high? I've never met a plumber that could jump over something three times taller than himself. How did they get their power? Can I get it too?

Puzzled Pipe Dreamer

Dear Dreamer,

Mario and Luigi have often been credited with superhuman leaping ability, but this is only half true... It is true that they have many impressive abilities, but jumping is not actually one of them. All of their well known adventures just happen to take place in a world where the laws of gravity are less strictly enforced. We can see this not only in the Bros. amazing leaps, but also in the levitating bricks and metal blocks that are visible throughout the landscape.

If you are dreaming of jumping like the Brothers Mario, don't waste your time/money at plumbing school (unless you'd also like to be a plumber). Just pay a visit to the Mushroom Kingdom yourself.

~Kevin

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Whats up cheese Doc?

My son brought home a terrible flue bug from daycare and i missed almost a week of work. How do I make sure this never happens a gain>

Sickman

Dear Mr. Sickman,

You need to change daycare providers. It's bad enough that they would let children play in the chimney flue, but to let them keep the insects they found in there is just not appropriate.

It was good of you to stay home and deal with the problem rather than risk spreading the bugs to your workplace. Just be glad these bugs didn't make you sick as well.

~Kevin

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Dear Dr. Cheese,

Ive got this red, itchy rash under my arms. Am I allergic to deodorant?

Itchy

Dear Itchy,

According to my calculations, you have developed an allergy to armpit hair. You will need to remove all traces of hair from wherever the rash has spread to. But DO NOT shave; this will only make the irritation worse. Try waxing instead, and you might get the added benefit of removing the layer of skin that contains the rash.

~Kevin

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Have you baked your Christmas Pizza yet? Today is the day to get it done so that it can age properly in the back of the fridge. Any squirrels on your Christmas list will be glad you did.

Yes, I know... this is the part where I normally give some excuse as to why you haven't heard from me since the Pikaboo Shirt Flop... But I'd like to reduce the ratio of excuses to actual content in the archives, so let's just move on.

Speaking of the Pikaboo Shirt, I am going to make it available again sometime before the end of the year. Sometime after I read up a little on the art of advertising. Stay tuned for that.

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Halloween is coming. Does your home have a Pikaboo (or some other friendly monster) to keep you safe? I've said before where to find one, but if you just can't, this shirt would be a fine alternative.

Teespring (the printer) promises High Quality Screen Printing. Which would make it better quality than anything currently available in my humble Gift Shop. BUT. Take note, these shirts will only print if the goal of selling 20 shirts is reached by Wednesday, October 16th. So tell tell your friends to tell their friends. (If the goal is not reached, nothing prints but nobody gets billed either)

Click the shirt below to go reserve one.

pikaboo tee

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Dear Cheese Father,

Our Children have monsters in their closets, but our landlord says that getting a pikaboo violates the “no pets” portion of our contract. What else can we do?

Trapped Renter

Dear Renter,

Monsters, and whose responsibility they are, is something you really should have negotiated with your landlord about before you moved in. Check your contract again, but look under Pest Control to see if he would have to help you get the monsters out.

Pikaboo attacking

If that doesn’t work out, it’s never too late to try and renegotiate. If he will hear you out, tell him what a safe ‘pet’ a Pikaboo can be. Technically, they aren’t even a “live animal”. They feed on electricity, and so are incapable of producing waste that would stain any carpet. They don’t have claws that need sharpening on furniture. They will never track in dirt, mud, or yak droppings from next door. They are not outgoing enough to bother the neighbors. And they are fairly unlikely to start house fires.

If he still stands firm on “No Pets”, you can use the same arguments to try and reclassify a Pikaboo as a small appliance.

~Kevin

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